...is what I am feeling right now. I think it's been quite some time since I have felt this kind of horrible, gut-wrenching anger.

My job is hectic. There is quite a bit going on, so I try to have my focus placed on work as much as possible right now.

On the other side of things is my family, doing their best I suppose... with the exception of one person who seems to be going out of her way to be a bitch to everyone.

I will spare you all the details of her childish antics which have more of an effect on my sister and my cousin than anyone. I'll stick to the most recent thing she has pulled which seems to effect only me.

Quite some time ago I lent her a wireless router that I wasn't using, which I thought would be helpful in showering my grandparents house with wifi signal. I could use it when I came over, and so could other family members as they decided to get laptops and such.

Well, this was working great until she went crazy and basically decided to "war" with everyone in the family (another story entirely).

So, about a week ago I guess she decided that she didn't want anyone else using the Internet that she paid for (she lives in the house rent free), and unhooked the router. I went over to my grandparent's house today, and needed to get online and finish up some work before the work week started only to find that the signal was gone.

I confronted her about it, at which point she decided to stand there and lie to me about her reasons for unhooking the router (I guess she forgot where I work, or thinks maybe that I don't understand how computers and networks function). Either way it pissed me off.

This is just one stupid stunt among a stack of many... a stack that I feel needs to have fire set to it, be toppled over, whatever... I guess really it's just one more thing to make me wonder if I'm really related to these people at all, or if they found me on a doorstep somewhere as a newborn.

Fuck...


-link

Labels: adventures in seattle, jackassery, stupid fuckers

....to get me to post again. Something either really awesome and kick-ass or on the converse... something just utterly shitty.

I suppose as far as "being shitty" goes, this would be on the lighter end as it turns out better than it could have... but, it was still shitty.

So, I guess it's on with the show:

...all of the sudden we were in the car. I wasn't really sure how I got there, especially in the passenger seat with my mom driving. I certainly don't mind riding shotgun with my mom driving (not that I would ever admit if I did), but things felt odd this time for some reason. I suppose it could have to do with the fact that my mom actually lives 1,447 mi – about 23 hours 44 mins away from me now, but who really knows...

Something came onto the radio, and my mom was either upset about what she heard on the radio, or perhaps I made a comment about the commentary which she didn't agree with or like very much. My bad.

She looked down and then off to the left out of the driver's side window, at which point I looked out the front of the car through the windshield and saw that we were heading straight for the end of some kind of pier/dock like structure.

I realize quickly that at our current speed it will be mere seconds before we are IN the water. I yell "mom watch out!!" and try to grab for the wheel so I can turn it hard to the right and hopefully give us a rough, but safe escape from this crazy ass watery grave in front of us.... I was too late. We drove right off of the end of this pier and we hit the water going pretty fast. The impact felt so hard, but with my heart pumping so hard and adrenaline coursing through my veins, all I could do was wait for the water.

What seemed like almost no time later at all, the water was rushing into the car pretty fast. I knew I needed to break the window or we were going to be fucked. I needed to equalize the pressure so we could open the door and get out. I attempt to go into action, but I can barely move. The freezing cold water has completely robbed me of all of my energy and it was all I could do to even lift up my arm. I was stuck.

I looked to my mom. I say "to" because my "plan" was to look at her for some direction on what to do. All I could see was terror in her face. She was so terrified that she had shut down. I felt without control, more helpless than I have ever felt, and like a failure because I couldn't save my mom.

Then I woke up.

Yes, I woke up @ around 4:45 AM PST yesterday (Thursday morning) and my heart was beating so fast because my mind thought the dream was real that I had to go smoke a cig just to calm back down enough to close my eyes and lie still.

What a shitty nightmare... which really wasn't very fresh to death at all....


...and now I want some fucking awesome "welcome back" comments! So fucking get to it!


-link

Labels: adventures in kenmore, fresh to death, thoughts

I'm constantly amused by the ads I run into on Facebook and MySpace which are clearly targeted at single males in their 20's:

My favorite part is the heading: "Want a Christian Girl?"

Hah! Who in the fuck doesn't want a girl who looks like that REGARDLESS of what religion she practices?

Let's review the obvious:

Would I compromise my belief structure to have her for a girlfriend? No.

Is the reality of the situation in fact that I do not have any actual belief structure which would be compromised by my obtaining control of the above pictured woman's joy box and using it for my own selfish purposes? Yes.

Are you laughing your ass off at my clever and very "over the line" use of "obtaining control of the pictured girl's joy box" as though it were a politically advantageous location to possess, whereby you have, or are about to, wet and/or soil yourself? You had better be, otherwise I fear I may have just sold my dignity for a giggle.

-link

Labels: funny shit, hot girls, thoughts

...was hard. It is still Christmas for another two hours.. and I keep walking around my grandparent's house and just looking at things. Looking at pictures of my grandpa, from when he was younger, all the way up until recently.

It's hard to even type it out... it causes me to well up just looking at anything that reminds me of him. I feel like a complete mess. I miss you so much grandpa. I miss you so much.

If you are watching, then you know that I'm already trying to do right by you and take care of grandma. I talked to her today, we decided that I should move in and help out. My aunt is to stressed out with everything going on, my cousin who is living here is also stressed.

If there is one thing that I have been able to do throughout my life, it is to be the drop that starts the ripple effect. I have never had an issue with being the first to show everyone else how.... now I will show them how to work together to help someone they love. Because I cannot watch this fighting continue. I refuse.

I have to learn something new every day, mainly because you told me to grandpa, but also because what you told me is right on more levels than I can explain. I have to continue expanding my mind and moving forward.

I'm so upset that you aren't here, not with you, but with myself... for not spending more time with you at the end.

Today...
Today I learned that life is a constant battle... One after another. The sooner you understand it and start fighting, the sooner you can start winning some battles instead of losing them all.

I will start fighting again.


-link

Labels: thoughts