So this morning, the fucking new coffee girl at work handed me someone else's coffee... which I proceeded to doctor up by adding an obscene amount of half and half cream to.

All of the sudden, this lady taps me on the shoulder and says "umm, I think that's MY coffee..." As I read the sharpie ink on the side of the iced beverage cup... it became all too apparent that she was correct, the fucking new barista handed me the wrong coffee. She didn't call it out... and to make matters worse, it looked just like my daily request when it came off of the line.

Ok, no big deal right? Everyone makes mistakes, and surely I wasn't the only one to blame here. Wrong. The other customer was pretty upset about it, and decided that while she chose to wait for her replacement coffee, she would stare at the back of my head until it exploded or something (which didn't happen).

Anyhow, here is how I should have handled this...

HER: "umm, I think that's MY coffee..."

ME: (thinking to myself... wondering why I keep hearing a dog bark in the building... the slowly realizing that this troll is talking to me for real, and that I'm not staring in Lord of the Rings or something like that) "why are you talking to me?"

HER: "well.. umm... because you have MY coffee in your hand."

ME: "ok trick, obviously you aren't smart enough to pick up on the real issue at hand here... the fact that you are a fucking ugly troll that would scare this coffee right out of the cup, and you should really be more careful with where you point that god forsaken weapon (her face) before someone ends up suing you, or worse, decides to fix it for you by punching you in the fucking neck... any other shitty questions hobgoblin?

Oh and let me also elaborate on this issue of 'property' that you have raised, I own anything and everything that I can and desire to place my hands upon trick. That means this coffee, and the next one that I am going to knock out of your hands and onto the floor for even mentioning to me that you had a wish or a care. Like I give a fuck...."

HER: "oh my god!!! I can't believe you said that to me!!! What is your name, I am going to report your conduct to my manager!!!???!"

ME: "did you forget? I'm the boss of you, fucking shitty bitch. Now drop and don't stand back up until I leave the room, I don't want to cry on the inside anymore then I have to today from seeing your buck wild, trick nasty face. Oh, and this replacement coffee you have now, let me show you how you should drink it (knock coffee on the floor), see... dogs lap shit up off of the floor, and you being a dog, should follow suit."

I must say, it feels great just to even type this shit out... very therapeutic...


-link

Labels: adventures in bothell, ass clowns, bitch killa, fresh to death, jackassery, stupid fuckers