...when I actually thought that Ashley Judd was hot. Yeah I know... I have no idea what the hell I was thinking....

So here is the real deal I wanted to write about... I was thinking about a previous relationship of mine, one that I was in around eight years ago. I thought about the fact that I was in that relationship at a serious level for about two years. Hell, we even dated for a year and a half before we kicked it up to the next level.

I started comparing the "success points" in that relationship to some of the "failure points" in some more recent "instances of lust/love or whatever."

I don't know if I HAVE to admit which obvious points of failure that I was able to notice right away.... but I will.

I believe that trust is probably the single most important element in a relationship. I seem to have some issues around the subject, and I definitely fought this battle the hard way in my last relationship.

What I did wrong:

I didn't trust her. This led to me allowing my imagination to feed my distrust and fill my mind with idiotic ideas about how she was doing me wrong. The truth here is that I was doing her wrong by going out and partying all the time early in our relationship and then lying about it or covering it up somehow.

In the back of my mind I always expected some kind of manipulation tactic from her. I had it in my head that she was exceptional at manipulating people in general, but definitely more adept at manipulation when that person was dating her, especially if it was me.

You see, she has something between her legs that quite honestly would out fucking sell anything it went up against if you could somehow legally bottle it and then manage to transport it across state lines without having to "discuss" with the feds. At this point, I think it is very important to communicate the fact that I'm not trying to paint this young lady as a sex object, however... if she were a sex object she would make a damn good one. But seriously, she is a very smart young lady who does well at work and is very close to her family.

Now, back to the manipulation topic... I honestly admire the skill of... persuasion (oh hell let's call it something that sounds nice, like "persuasion") on some level, but it definitely gave me a jaded view of the situation. Actually... "jaded" really isn't actually very accurate... Let's actually just say that I poisoned it and then upon realizing I had done so, went quickly into a state of denial over my role in the matter and watched it die a slow and miserable death.

This unfortunately led to me feeling the need to protect myself. I started to believe that if she even initiated a manipulative act towards me, that it would be 10 times more difficult to resolve without losing ground in some area. I don't know why I felt like giving in to her would be losing ground, in retrospect... I often think about what I have in my life now and I think I would be glad to give up half of it to have someone so caring in my life.

Next is where "the best defense is a good offense" comes in. I became more aggressive, and thought that if perhaps I could introduce just a subtle amount of fear to the situation that I could "scare" her out of cheating on me or trying to fuck me over. I don't have any explanation for that at all… it’s just stupid, childish, uncaring and definitely the trademark of someone with low self esteem and a specific lack of confidence.

The scary part is that I just know this isn't me. I only ever act like this when for some reason I feel as though I'm in an "open to risk" situation that involves women. For some reason, even though it happens to other people all the time, I am extremely fearful of being made to look like a fool by a woman. Everyone who knows me also knows that I don't really need any help in looking like a fool in front of people, so that confuses me all the more.

I wanted to write a little bit about relationships, and how important trust is... But I wasn't sure exactly what to write or how to say it. I wasn't sure if I wanted to make it personal, or keep it vague.

That said, you can see that I made it very personal, but not super specific. I hope you all like it, and if not..

... well if not then fuck you.


The sad reality here is this: I had a girlfriend who was actually pretty damn great. She took care of me when I needed it, and she didn't smother the shit out of me when I didn't want a ton of attention. She was adorable, and I don't think I've enjoyed waking up next to someone that much in a very long time.

It's not like there aren't more fish in the sea, and I completely understand that, but there is something to be said for that one fish that you really like, kind of similar to the one that brightens your aquarium just a little. You just can't help but be a little sad when you see your favorite go, you know?

Oh well, it's more than likely better this way... who needs love and affection anyhow?


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, thoughts