...sister is back in jail. Gotta love that...

I've been on hold with King County Corrections for oh.... 47 minutes and 43 seconds and counting... still no operator has answered the phone. I love that part even more.

I guess I kind of have to, not like I condone the fact that my sister has been pulled into jail... well fuck, lets see here:

Booking Events:
Book Date: 10/08/2008 15:30
Release Date:
Bail Amount: Bail Denied

Book Date: 05/10/2008 23:16
Release Date: 05/13/2008 15:46
Bail Amount: $1,000.00

Book Date: 04/09/2008 12:51
Release Date: 04/10/2008 16:19
Bail Amount: $2,500.00

Well there you have it folks. 3 times in the last year. This doesn't even include last year, or the year before that. I know I bailed her out once for $7500 (had to put my car up and all that jazz) when she first got into some serious trouble. All because she wanted to date some now 40 year old loser who chose to make his trade dealing crystal meth to anyone who would buy it from him. She's mentioned some of this guy's habits, one of which was accepting stolen property from his "customers" in trade for his product. Well, when the house is in your name, you go down for all of the bad inside of it generally (the house was in my sister's name).

My sister just turned 21 this year, so now she's able to go out and drink on top of all of this, something she's really never had trouble finding even when she wasn't supposed to be doing it.

Needless to say, I wonder if this is it. I wonder if I will ever see my sister again. I mean my sister, not this mess that she has become. I often think back to when we were all younger, especially if I see a picture of my sister before all of the drugs and bad behavior started. It makes me extremely sad to know that I can't do anything to help her, at least not until she is ready to listen. It scares me to think that something has hold of her so strong that she can't get away from it. It probably scares me even more because I know the feeling personally, not just through reading about it, or someone telling me how horrible it is. I have seen hell... and I try very hard not to see my sister in my mental picture of hell, but I guess it's getting a little bit harder each time.

I suppose people have probably asked the same question of me, and probably still do.... and now I just might understand what they see when they look at me, only because of what I see when I look at my sister.

I think one day it would be really great to have my family back, to be able to all sit in the same room and enjoy each other's company without people fighting for attention, or approval, or even throwing each other under the bus just to make themselves look better than the other.

Just the thought of that makes me sick, I find disgust in the idea of letting someone fall so that they can learn... I do not like it... but I can understand it.

I truly believe that there is only so much you can blame on genetics, and upbringing... the rest is decision and even sometimes trial and error until you find that happy balance. I know I'm still looking for that balance, and it feels a bit closer each day.

Sister, I hope that you find your balance... and soon. For I fear that if you do not, that you will fall off of this teeter-tawter that we call life, and I won't be able to pick you back up.

Everyone in our family calls me to ask about you. To ask where you are, and if I've heard from you, because you always call me. You always call me, and now you don't call anymore. So I have nothing to tell them, and worse I have nothing to tell myself.

I just need for you to reach hun, just stretch as far as you can to reach my hand, and I promise I will pull you out of the flames. I promise. I won't let you fall sis, I just won't.

I know I'm the one who walked away, I know this and I'm very sorry. I hope that one day you will understand why I had to leave so early, and why that environment wasn't healthy for me, and really was completely destroying me. I think about those times almost daily, and I know they weren't pleasant for either one of us.

But we are here today, and now, and tomorrow is what you have to look at, not the past anymore. You have to remember the good times and hold onto those, and create new good times for yourself, but healthy ones... I know we both have it in us to go to extremes, and now I'm asking you to go to another extreme, the extreme that leads you back to us, your family, and me, your ever loving brother. I love you so very much, I cannot even put it into words. But if I were to try, I would remind you of that talk we had, about the sunshine inside, and how that sunshine has to live and grow before people can see it on the outside, but that part is up to you.

If you choose to cloud your sun with bad actions, bad decisions, bad thoughts... then you yourself will be cloudy in judgment and follow-through. If you allow your sun to burn away those clouds, and purify your soul, then happiness and freedom follow. Do you remember what it's like to be free? To not have to look for something every day... to not owe your life and limb to some jackass who calls himself your friend, but really just wants to keep taking a piece of you at every encounter? Do you remember? Can you remember for me? More importantly, can you remember for you?

I hope that you can... I really do hope that you can still feel that sunshine on the inside, and that you can let it glow, because that's really what you need to do right now. You need to focus on that sun in you. Please....


-link

Labels: current events, stupid fuckers