...and what it is... is frustrating...

I guess we don't always get to control how our interactions with our friends and family go, nor do we get to control the interactions with our co-workers.

I'm OK with that, really, but I do have to admit that it was a bit rough finding out the results of my "mid-year performance review" on my current team from the boss of my "new team" or rather the team that I am preparing to migrate over to.

One thing that I am thankful for is that my new manager definitely seems to be a straight shooter when it comes to discussing work, possible areas of improvement, disappointments, etc.

I've really only spoken with him twice so far, but he has given me no reason to think anything else in that he seems to be very consistent in how he delivers information and also with how he speaks. I have a feeling I will learn quite a bit from him which I'm very excited about.

I guess everything related to this move to the new team, which is basically the "future" of my career, is great. I have no worries, I'm not upset, in fact I'm very happy about the opportunity to narrow my focus to one subject (the Active Directory) as opposed to trying to pick up a little AD here, Outlook there, Exchange Server when I'm done with that and then let's talk about mailbox structure next, and how about we step right into Internet Mail Transport if there is any more room on our plate... and that's just this meal... wait until we get to dessert!!

But seriously, the team I am currently on deals with messaging at a very large corporation. Messaging is "defined" as really anything that interfaces with email or the mailbox on the Exchange server (there are some "bolt-on" services such as Unified Communications/Unified Messaging which involves integration of a user's desk-phone with their Exchange mailbox (something that was traditionally managed via a PBX system and a Voicemail server before this feature set came out)....

...as you can see, I have barely scratched the surface of what "messaging" actually is and I'm fast approaching the "reasonable limit" of what one person can be expected to learn, repeat, get better at, improve upon, become an expert at, etc...

So the narrowing of my "focus" will be great.

What I'm not super happy about are some of the other things that have happened since I started this job, most of which are just bottom-line my fault for not being a better communicator, or allowing myself to get super anxious and have random attacks of insomnia... but really, how do you control something like that? I guess I'm learning...

I suppose some of it is about growing up, and becoming a more mature adult.... but some of the events that I am experiencing are new to me... this is the first time that I have experienced them... and while I know I would be a fool to think or say that by the age of 21 I should have experienced almost every feeling on some level, and that anything past 21 is really just an expansion or iteration of something I've already been through... if that were the case then why live past 21 right? Life would be pretty boring... so I suppose that really becoming a more mature individual also encompasses the idea of, or actually the ability to run into new experiences and not let them "cripple" you emotionally or have a devastating effect/outcome on the remainder of your life....

I also suppose that really when it comes down to it, I do have a serious issue with pro-actively communicating with the people around me about things that are either coming up or ongoing in my life. I mean, not everything really needs to be put out on the table... this I know, but when it has an effect on my peers or my manager, then it definitely makes sense for me to say something... write something... basically do something to ensure that everyone else is prepared... and that's what I'm not doing.

I don't really think that I've ever been an "expert" communicator, but I do feel that I was at least a little better at it... so I started thinking about how this happened... how I slowly started turning into a recluse, and really trying to pinpoint when I made the change from someone who felt that being organized and prepared was the best way to approach life to someone who feels that they don't really need to "prepare" for anything, and that however I decide to leave things is how I organize them (a total cop out)... and that I should just be able to handle anything that comes at me without preparation, and that the outcome of any event when I take this approach is the "real" outcome rather than the "tampered with" or "cheated to win" outcome that comes from actually taking time to prepare...

What a fucking joke... talk about the ultimate justification for a procrastinator to continue procrastinating... talk about the ultimate setup for failure at life...

Man... fuck this noise. It's not "time for a change" or anything simple like that... it's "time for a fucking carpet bombing and leveling of this horrible 'idea-town' which I call my current outlook and approach to life..."

Time for a metaphorical trip to the 'mental-slaughterhouse' where this 'lazy pig' brain of mine is going to get the bacon cut off of it and then have the piss beat out of it on the way to becoming a nice collection of pork-chops.


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in redmond, changes, thoughts

...when I actually thought that Ashley Judd was hot. Yeah I know... I have no idea what the hell I was thinking....

So here is the real deal I wanted to write about... I was thinking about a previous relationship of mine, one that I was in around eight years ago. I thought about the fact that I was in that relationship at a serious level for about two years. Hell, we even dated for a year and a half before we kicked it up to the next level.

I started comparing the "success points" in that relationship to some of the "failure points" in some more recent "instances of lust/love or whatever."

I don't know if I HAVE to admit which obvious points of failure that I was able to notice right away.... but I will.

I believe that trust is probably the single most important element in a relationship. I seem to have some issues around the subject, and I definitely fought this battle the hard way in my last relationship.

What I did wrong:

I didn't trust her. This led to me allowing my imagination to feed my distrust and fill my mind with idiotic ideas about how she was doing me wrong. The truth here is that I was doing her wrong by going out and partying all the time early in our relationship and then lying about it or covering it up somehow.

In the back of my mind I always expected some kind of manipulation tactic from her. I had it in my head that she was exceptional at manipulating people in general, but definitely more adept at manipulation when that person was dating her, especially if it was me.

You see, she has something between her legs that quite honestly would out fucking sell anything it went up against if you could somehow legally bottle it and then manage to transport it across state lines without having to "discuss" with the feds. At this point, I think it is very important to communicate the fact that I'm not trying to paint this young lady as a sex object, however... if she were a sex object she would make a damn good one. But seriously, she is a very smart young lady who does well at work and is very close to her family.

Now, back to the manipulation topic... I honestly admire the skill of... persuasion (oh hell let's call it something that sounds nice, like "persuasion") on some level, but it definitely gave me a jaded view of the situation. Actually... "jaded" really isn't actually very accurate... Let's actually just say that I poisoned it and then upon realizing I had done so, went quickly into a state of denial over my role in the matter and watched it die a slow and miserable death.

This unfortunately led to me feeling the need to protect myself. I started to believe that if she even initiated a manipulative act towards me, that it would be 10 times more difficult to resolve without losing ground in some area. I don't know why I felt like giving in to her would be losing ground, in retrospect... I often think about what I have in my life now and I think I would be glad to give up half of it to have someone so caring in my life.

Next is where "the best defense is a good offense" comes in. I became more aggressive, and thought that if perhaps I could introduce just a subtle amount of fear to the situation that I could "scare" her out of cheating on me or trying to fuck me over. I don't have any explanation for that at all… it’s just stupid, childish, uncaring and definitely the trademark of someone with low self esteem and a specific lack of confidence.

The scary part is that I just know this isn't me. I only ever act like this when for some reason I feel as though I'm in an "open to risk" situation that involves women. For some reason, even though it happens to other people all the time, I am extremely fearful of being made to look like a fool by a woman. Everyone who knows me also knows that I don't really need any help in looking like a fool in front of people, so that confuses me all the more.

I wanted to write a little bit about relationships, and how important trust is... But I wasn't sure exactly what to write or how to say it. I wasn't sure if I wanted to make it personal, or keep it vague.

That said, you can see that I made it very personal, but not super specific. I hope you all like it, and if not..

... well if not then fuck you.


The sad reality here is this: I had a girlfriend who was actually pretty damn great. She took care of me when I needed it, and she didn't smother the shit out of me when I didn't want a ton of attention. She was adorable, and I don't think I've enjoyed waking up next to someone that much in a very long time.

It's not like there aren't more fish in the sea, and I completely understand that, but there is something to be said for that one fish that you really like, kind of similar to the one that brightens your aquarium just a little. You just can't help but be a little sad when you see your favorite go, you know?

Oh well, it's more than likely better this way... who needs love and affection anyhow?


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, thoughts

So I was supposed to start my new job two Mondays ago. I got the call today telling me that I'm starting tomorrow morning at 9am. Thank fucking god. I can't really afford to be out of work for another full week.

That said, I'm still working on porting eNemesis over to the Wordpress engine. I wanted to do some skin editing, and I went looking for a tool that will allow me to "grab" colors from the screen without having to hunt for them.

I found a cool tool called "ColorPic" which you can check out by following the previous link.

I started poking around the application developer's website and found that they have an entire section of free web dev tools, so I thought they were worth mentioning.

They care called Iconico, and they say that they make "Accurate Design and Development Software." I like that, because they claim to be accurate, it gives me the feeling that I'm working with a precision tool.

Anyhow, check out the source link or the link for the "ColorPic" app above, I think you'll find some useful tools if you do any kind of web development on the side like yours truly.


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, cool shit, thoughts, web development

....people go out of their way to make sure you think about unpleasant things in your life.

Fucking A... why do that? Why go out of your way to just withdraw?

Whatever, it's your passive aggressive bullshit that I cannot stand, that and your super sneaky nature. You never really offer information, you act like it's a pain to explain anything.

It's like everything you do makes me feel like you are worth keeping an eye on.

You won't have this chance ever again.


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, the pain of getting well, thoughts

So I just got back from the local Top Food & Drug (formerly Stock Market Foods, and currently also known as Haggen Foods), and I came back with some damn tasty Red Vines:



Well, there you have it... tasty motherfuckin Red Vines. I have some really awesome things to say about this specific package of candy. I mention only this specific package of Red Vines as I have received "less than savory" packages from "American Licorice Company" before.


Anyhow, back to the candy at hand... this has to be the best package of licorice that I have ever had!!!


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in everett, thoughts

I know there are a ton of words that we could all fill that blank with. It really depends on who you are and I suppose even just how your day/week/month/year/life went or is going.

I had an interesting thought and did a bit of wondering about it before I finally decided to post something here about it.

Now, we all know it's illegal to threaten someone with physical or fatal harm. I wonder though, is it illegal to tell someone that you would do something to them IF it were a legal course of action? Basically, is it a threat if you hinge it on terms of the act somehow or at some point becoming legal in the future?

I'll give you a more complete example. Say for instance that I felt "wronged" by someone due to them committing some overt act against me. Maybe this person did something shitty to me on purpose at work, like calling me out in front of our boss when they knew I wasn't prepared. Regardless of the act, let's say that I feel that an equal and correct response would be for me to punch this person in the neck.

Now here is the problem... I know that actually punching this person in the neck would not only be grounds for termination from my current place of employment, I know that it would also be grounds for a lawsuit. If I were to threaten them, I would probably have a similar result.

If I said however that I would commit aforementioned act only if it were of legal recourse to do so... would I incur any penalty?

I think this is the start of an awesome conversation, so I want to see some comments below, especially from people who haven't posted before.


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, thoughts

I'm sitting here today and for some god-awful reason I started thinking about an incident that happened long ago, in another life...

I guess that means the readers win today, because I've decided to share....

It was a normal summer day. I had just come back from boot camp early due to some comedy of errors on my part which went down after I got to San Diego. If I remember correctly I was about two months into returning to the Puget Sound, and I happened to be staying with a family member in Kent, WA.

Another younger family member of mine was also staying there at the same time, and she was having friends over each and every day. The owners of the house had a nice garden with something that some people consider medicine, and much to my dismay, this younger family member of mine had been stealing some this medicine for herself and taking it into downtown Kent to show off to her friends.

David, Bob and I were downstairs, enjoying some of our hard work when we heard this younger female family member yelling at someone coming into the house. Naturally we were pretty concerned with who had come over to our workshop.

We started heading upstairs only to be met by three Male's in our stairwell, asking to use the phone. Bob decides to hand them the cordless phone, hoping to avoid a conflict, at which point they advise us that we can no longer contact 911 now that they have the phone and then quickly say "but you really wouldn't want to call the cops anyhow now would you?"

Fuck no. They will make this situation an order of magnitude worse. We have to figure out how to get these three trick ass thugs out of our house with out shit popping off. Guns will bring cops, noise will bring cops, yelling will bring cops... you get the picture.

Luckily, right before this went down I had a chance to walk by these three punks up the split level stairs into the living room. I knew I had left my knife on the coffee table upstairs (a stupid mistake that I have yet to repeat since this incident), and I was concerned that one of these shitty bitches might get to it before me. We didn't know what they were carrying, and we sure didn't want shit lighting up right in our entry way if we could avoid it.

I start thinking "what in the fuck is going on here, we are going to need to throw down right here on the split level stairs." Bob tries to calm these three idiots down, meanwhile I'm upstairs picking up my Teflon coated Benchmade from the coffee table and UN-screwing the wood pole from a house broom. I'm getting ready to beat some funky trick ass.

At this point David is still standing next to Bob, Bob is holding our HUGE attack trained German Shepard, they are all three at the bottom of the stairs. I am at the top of them ready to start knocking funky bitches down the stairs.

The younger female family member of mine is standing at the top with a female friend which I noticed didn't seem scared at all like you would think. In fact she was EXTREMELY CALM... something I will touch on later.

Bob tries to negotiate with the intruders, eventually he tells them all we have is a small amount of what they are looking for, but that he would be glad to give it to them if they would just leave.

I couldn't fucking believe it. The guy running the show here is pussing out harder than I've ever seen. David and I are ready to beat the shit out of these fucks right after we let the dog have a piece. I'm visualizing the wooden pole, being used as a staff, going right through some eye sockets and knocking teeth right the fuck out of mouths left and right. I'm starting to wonder just how serious this is going to get....

Bob hands over the small stash... and without hesitation the punk fuckers say "now we want the rest..."

Well of-fucking-course... I mean would you stop asking for shit if your previous attempt proved successful? Fuck no, especially if you have nothing to lose.

David and I are tripping out at this point, we can't even believe what is going on. At this point we look at each other like we are just going to set it off and fuck what Bob says. At that very moment, as if he somehow heard our mutual thoughts, Bob let the dog go and ran down the stairs to get an axe. We didn't have any guns in the house at this point, mainly because a weapons enhancement charge will ruin your fucking life here in the states.

I start rushing these fuckers who are now scrambling to get away from the dog and David, and follow them out the door.

Bob came around the other side of the house with the axe in a rage I have seen only one other time in his eyes and he swung....

He had just sharpened that blade the week before... I know it was sharp because I had just split wood with it the day before.... there was blood spray, screaming... and an adrenaline burst that you only see when someone is trying to end another persons livelihood and or life in general.

Bob stopped, somewhat shocked at what had just happened. I continued running after them about halfway down the country road until I was convinced they wouldn't be turning around to come back.

I came back to the house. My younger female family member was still there, as were David and Bob. The other girl had left... and took her calmness with her. Some quick investigation quickly revealed that she had been in on the plot.

We couldn't figure out how these three punk fuckers got into the house in the first place, other than someone must have let them in. My younger female family member apparently let her "friend" in, who quickly made sure to unlock the door behind her back, at which point her friends came in. They marked our house because this same family member had been stealing stash and taking it downtown and showing it off. Upon others inquiring as to where she obtained this, she explained that "she just gets it, and that's all they need to know."

Now so you know, yes.. when something happens, it happens just like this. Something so small and stupid, a thread for enemies to pull on in order to cause a hole in your outer shell... just enough for them to get in.

Talk about a crazy day in the life of yours truly... it's one of many, and I hope you enjoyed hearing about it. If not, fuck you.


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in kent, bitch killa, stupid fuckers, thoughts

...also know as "The Double Fuck" or whatever other colorful analogy you want to create...

If you were to ask me "do you like being right?" as in being correct about an issue, a hunch, a feeling... I would be first in line to say "Yes, I do like being correct. I like the fact that usually when I get a hunch about something, I am correct about it... I would say around 80 - 90% of the time."

The unfortunate truth here is that quite often, being correct about a hunch can also mean that you have to now accept hurt feelings, or the fact that what you were correct about is in the end not such a pleasant thing to be correct about at all. I guess that's the negative side to things... and also the other edge that cuts so quickly.

In the end, I am correct about it, the person totally gave themselves away (yes I'm also fresh to death at chess as well people), and now I am going to act on it. This person had a chance to be honest... in fact I gave them multiple chances... but now that I can read them like a book, they can't really hide shit from me anymore, in fact I don't think they ever could... I just wasn't looking.

This person likes to try and tell bullshit stories about all of the trauma and drama in their life... I find them funny, what's even more humorous is the fact that they are half-way detailed... enough to build a foundation on, but never venturing into the realm of discussion around a solution.

I think that part has more to do with their overall impatience, and more than likely their inability to fully live the lie... something they probably do to "protect" themselves from falling prey to actually believing the lie they just told.

But also lets be practical... who in their right mind wants to sit and listen to suggestions on how to handle the problem when the problem doesn't even exist? It's way easier to just say that you don't want to talk about it... right?

Unfortunately, if you want me to believe your lie, you have to act like it is somewhere close to the realm of truth, and if something is the truth, then you are generally living in "that truth."

All of my fancy intellectualizing aside, I find it more disappointing then anything... I guess mainly because I had some faith that this person wasn't just a lying piece of shit... and also the fact that I defended this person's image and personal integrity to all of my friends who told me that this person was nothing more than a scandalous drama leech.

Way to go link... way to go...


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, bitch killa, business is business, fresh to death

That's right, I bought the Jawbone... and here's a real shocker (no not that kind), I love it!!

So far this headset has done everything the advertisements and "here say" said it would do. Yesterday, right after purchasing the headset, I was required to charge the unit for a mere two hours before use. No extended charging time of 18 hours, or even 5 hours before the first use... a good sign.

The unit comes with 5 different ear bud contouring shapes and 4 over the ear pieces. It is a tandem operation of over the ear hook and ear bud that keeps the device snugly attached to the side of your head.

Use of the device is super easy. The side of the device actually has two buttons. One is for the power/answer/voice dial functions, the other being for turning on/off the noise cancellation feature and manually adjusting the volume.

Oh snap, did I forget to mention that the volume is pretty much 100% self adjusting, with the exception of giving you the option to adjust it yourself if you don't like the setting that the Jawbone picked for you based on the ambient volume in the room/situation you are in.

So, now for the meat and potatoes of the review... yesterday evening, as I was driving to one friend's house and talking to another friend. The friend on the phone couldn't tell that I had my window rolled down... on the freeway!!! This has been a big problem in the past, and I'm super happy to say that it looks as though it's finally been resolved!!

I'll post more as I learn more, but I just wanted to get every one's mouth watering first...

...mission accomplished...

UPDATE 06/08/2007:

So I've been using the headset for a few days now, and I've noticed some really cool stuff, and some other things that I don't really like so much. I'll split them into two lists, the cool things and the not so cool things:

Cool things:

1. When my phone is out of bluetooth range, the headset gives me three quick beeps and then stops. My Motorola H800 continued beeping until it got back into range, something I found to be very annoying.
2. When I am on a call on my phone, and power the headset on, the call is instantly transferred to the headset. I mean INSTANTLY. My Motorola H800 would occasionally just not take the call over, and when it did... took forever to make it happen.
3. The noise reduction is by far the best I have seen. Yesterday I was in my car with the radio on, both windows open, my navigation unit spitting directions at me and coming down the freeway to boot... I was on the phone with my mom and she found it odd that I asked her if she could hear me. She found it odd because I was coming through CRYSTAL FUCKING CLEAR.. bitches...
4. The earpiece volume adjusts itself automatically, so I'm not constantly pressing up or down on the volume depending on the situation like I had to do with my H800.
5. The voice commands (a feature of the phone more than the headset) are picked up very well. I guess this basically means that the headset has an awesome microphone in it. Either way, I've never used my voice commands for anything before, simply because the phone never seems to recognize the command given after I have set it up. This could be due to a noisy environment, shitty software, whatever... the point is, I like it now.

Not so cool things:

1. There is a small rubber cover for the charging port that stays on as long as you don't bump it by accident. It's easy to bump it when adjusting the headset or pressing the button to turn off the noise cancellation or rotate through the volume settings. The rubber piece is so light, that unless you stop and look for it on the ground, you would have no idea that it even fell off. Bad design here.
2. The ear hooks come in two sizes, normal and large. Normal is too big for my ear so it leaves much of the "hold on for dear life" work to the rubber piece that goes into my ear canal. Not suitable for running or leaning forward to pick something up off of the ground. More bad design, or really just a lack of appropriate options. This could be solved by adding one more ear hook to the package that is smaller than the "normal" size.
3. While the self adjusting volume kicks ass, it doesn't always make the right choice on volume. This could be attributed to the headset not fitting snugly on my ear, and therefore being further away from my ear and thus requiring a louder volume to actually hear things. You have the option of "rotating" through 6 different volume settings by pressing and holding one of two buttons on the device. That's right, rotating... this means that you go from 1 to 6 and then back to 1 again. No reverse... no jumping to... just one direction rotation. It's this "pressing and holding" that inevitably causes me to dislodge the rubber cover on the rear of the device. Frustrating.
4. The ear hook for the device seems a bit fragile. I could be wrong here, but the connection for the ear hook seems like it might wear out as it's just a tension fit holding it in. Also, I am constantly worried about actually breaking the ear hook if I were to place the device in my pocket or were someone to step/sit on it as a result of me setting it somewhere while inside a house. This could be all me and my paranoid tendencies... either way I think the device would benefit from a more rubberized ear hook or a simple way to make the device more compact. I'm not sure how a folding ear hook would work, so probably making it out of a more malleable plastic/rubber as opposed to the current construction of metal and rubber would be sufficient.
5. There doesn't seem to be a mute button. Now I could be wrong, but I didn't see one in the documentation, nor have I found one accidentally during my use of the headset. The device only has two buttons, one on the rear of the device to control the noise reduction and the volume rotation. The other button is used to power on the device, answer calls, initiate the voice command prompt, end the call and power off the device. That's quite a few functions for one button if you think about it. If I had the choice, I don't think I would add another button to the configuration, but maybe employ a dual button press for the volume rotation thereby allowing room for a single press on the rear button for mute functionality during calls.

Anyhow, that's the remainder of my review. I hope this helps you make a decision. I opted to keep this headset so far, albeit the ear snugness issue for two reasons:

1. This headset received the best review on CNet, both from the writer of the review and from the users. It beat out the Plantronics Discovery 665 - 7.7 staff rating, 5.6 user review rating, and the Motorola H9 Miniblue - 7.7 staff rating, no user review ratings. The Aliph Jawbone (gray) received an 8.7 staff rating paired with a 7.6 user review rating. Pretty damn high to ignore.
2. The second reason is that this ear snugness issue is not permanent. Apparently some smart genius mother fucker found out that the Jabra ear gels will fit over the round rubber ear piece that comes with the Aliph Jawbone. I plan on getting a pack of those today, and I think this will allow me to possibly remove the ear hook if I wanted a super sleek look... we'll see. I mentioned that to a friend and the first thing he thought about was the device falling on the ground, and while the ear hook isn't snug, it does prevent that nasty result.

Now the review is really over... if this helps you, then awesome. If not.. then you should have stopped reading long before you got to this, the insult segment of the review. Only a moron would continue reading something useless to them, and then stay around to get ragged on... way to go prick face...

-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in bothell, bitch killa, reviews, thoughts

You can check out the most updated version of this image by clicking on the source link below, or the miniature map image on the right.


Here are all of the people and their locations, who love this website:

...well actually that's probably not the most truthful statement... some of those people may also love you as well... I just really don't have a way or a care to verify it.

If you click the image above, it should open into a new window and show you a slightly larger version of the same map. The purpose behind that is to rub in even further, the fact that these people probably don't love you as much as they love this website.

Oh yeah also, I'm fucking fresh to death... and so is Jessica, one of my co-workers who is celebrating a birthday today!! I have no idea how old she is today, nor do I care... but I will tell you this much... she has a man, so back of fellas...

-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in bothell, bitch killa, enemesis, fresh to death

Ok, if you are a bacon lover such as myself, then you already know who wins this battle....

The point is this... There are two types of bacon, the great kind which is thick and has more meat then fat, and then there is the shitty kind, which is just super thin (composition of meat to fat ratio is irrelevant with shitty bacon simply because its mere existence is a waste of time, and therefore so would be any further discussion pertaining solely to aforementioned "shitty bacon") and nobody really ever likes it... EVER.

So now to the crux of the issue...

In our little cafeteria/lunchroom or whatever the hell you want to call the comedy of errors that is food service in this building... they have been serving shitty bacon with what seems to be an increased frequency. When I first started working here, which wasn't that long ago, there was good, even great bacon abound!! Now there exists this pile of shitty bacon, that for obvious reasons, remains a very large pile throughout the day and I am guessing is therefore wasted completely at the end of each work day.

I know this didn't happen with the great bacon, because the pan was almost empty numerous times and I found it challenging to procure any of the great bacon for myself. Not so with the shitty bacon, in fact they also use the shitty bacon on the breakfast sandwiches, which I find very troublesome.

So here is the deal... you keep serving your shitty bacon, and we will just keep not eating it. At the rate you are going through it (by throwing it out every night) I wager that you will be back to serving great bacon again in about one more week.

If for some reason the previous statement fails to arrive at present, I will be punching you, and your shitty bacon... you guessed it... right in the fucking neck... but it doesn't stop there. I will also make you eat all of the shitty bacon that you might fully experience the reality which you force all of us to live by serving aforementioned shitty bacon.

Link - 4:20
Let not ye fall to temptation of serving the shitty bacon, lest the lord strike thee down with furious anger over slaughtering such a shitty pig and then attempting to serve it as though the people eating it were shitty as well.

Ok, now for some science.. click the source link below to check out what a scientist at the University of California is proposing for removing Carbon Dioxide from our atmosphere.


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in bothell, bitch killa, fresh to death, stupid fuckers

I thought the linked story from CNN was fairly interesting. It discusses our societies ever increasing view that naked & raunchy = sexy.

I must admit, I like my naked no holds barred raunchy action, but only in doses. At a point, I begin to discount the person and throw them in the "slut" or "whore" pile in my head.

I guess the worst part about it is that I never tell the person they have arrived at this "pile" and they usually keep acting that way. Makes me wonder how many other similar situations like this there are going on out there...

Check out the story...


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, thoughts, world news

That's right tricks, I said "gasm..." now get over it and move on with your life.

Check out the source link below for the review on a navigation unit that I will probably be picking up in the next few days for a screaming $155.

Between you and I... I am horrible with directions, and have wanted one of these for at least four years now. Now that I have a great opportunity in front of me, it's actually at the point where I would be an idiot not to pick this up.

Also like I said, with being horrible at directions, it will be really nice to just ask someone for an intersection or street address and be able to just throw that on the "navvy" and away I go.

My favorite part is that it's removable, so I can take it with me, and out of the car at night. Our neighborhood has had more and more foot traffic on it lately, and my roommate's car looks like someone tried to break the window with a screwdriver or something...

That said, I'm not super eager to leave anything of value in my car unattended. The idea of being able to take it into a friend's car if they are driving kicks ass too, I don't see that going down with a permanent in dash unit at all.


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, Big Boy Toys, bitch killa

I am really fucking tired today. I got 2 hours of sleep. That auto-magically means that I am in a "take no prisoners" kind of mood. In fact, to quote a favorite video game character of mine... "It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum... but I'm all outta gum..."

That said, I ate a healthy breakfast at home of Kashi crunch followed by an apple. Needless to say, I was still hungry when I got to work.

I ventured down to the lunchroom to get my morning coffee and breakfast sandwich along with a nice vanilla yogurt. The breakfast sandwiches are setup a certain way. Nasty ass Ham on the left, Bacon in the middle and Nasty Ass Sausage on the right.

Today, some stupid mother fucker decided to play a little game and put the Bacon sandwiches on the left instead of the middle, but I caught that shit. I ALMOST grabbed the wrong type of sandwich, which I'm super glad didn't happen for my sake and the sake of everyone else here. Had I actually expected Bacon in my sandwich, and been surprised by the nasty taste of either other item, I would have immediately started punching everyone around me in the neck.

It wouldn't have been my fault though you see... it's because I have an allergy to all shit that is nasty or retarded. When I taste nasty food against my will it makes me want to hurt people around me who allow or contribute to it happening.


For instance, the smart ass mother fucker that decided to play some games this morning with my fucking breakfast would have instantly felt the wrath of my fist upon his trachea, followed by anyone else that tried to throw out a "hey that's not right!!!" or even "what are you doing???"


I'll show you first hand what I'm doing fuck face, and then I'll show your fairy ass over there just how right this really is. It's called "I don't fuck around, and that's why they call me 'trick nasty' now step mother fucker... step."


THEN I WILL SHOW EVERYONE HOW FUCKING WRONG IT IS TO PLAY GAMES WITH MY FUCKING FOOD, BECAUSE PLAYING WITH MY FOOD IS LIKE FUCKING WITH MY MONEY WHICH IS PARALLEL TO MESSING WITH MY EMOTIONS AND WILL SURELY GET YOU A PUNCH IN THE NECK AND/OR A CAP IN THE ASS.

You tricks know I have a blood sugar issue... fuck..........




-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in bothell, bitch killa, business is business

...now that I know you already have a boyfriend... maybe I'll just stop drinking coffee for another couple of months and see how you like me then... trick!!!

Totally kidding... the girl that I will mention later in this post is as sweet as apple pie. I'm speaking figuratively, but I'm sure if I had the chance, I could vouch for it literally as well.

So it's late/early... whatever. I still haven't been to sleep because I fell asleep a bunch at the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie earlier in the evening.

I decided to work on switching this laptop that I have over to Ubuntu, but I'm having no end of problems attempting to boot from a USB flash drive.... long story short, I'm probably going to need to pony up the dough and go get an external USB CD-ROM drive... which I will promptly return after I get what I need out of it...

So, because I'm up so late, I decided to go get a coffee at the local coffee hut. This one happens to be a "Big Foot Java" and there are a ton of cute - hot (to be read as "cute through hot" and understood as "the girls working at this coffee hut are at a minimum cute, and on more than a few occasions are actually hot") girls working at this location. There happens to be one girl there that I really enjoy chatting with, not to mention that she is pretty smart, going to medical school, and is pretty hot to boot. She shows some interest, and actually said she was worried that something had happened to me because she hadn't seen me for so long (referring to an approximately two month period where I had stopped drinking coffee).

Well needless to say, I thought this was all very cute and began to find myself very interested in this young lady. Today she fucking broke my fragile heart by mentioning that she already had a boyfriend. I almost asked her what his name was and where he lived so that I could make sure he was "safe and sound" because "we wouldn't want anything bad to happen to him and then possibly end their relationship..."

Yeah, that of course did not happen... but it would have been very "bitch killa" of me to do so.. Damn, I really need to work on my follow-through skills...

Something really funny that I noticed today though was the fact that she was talking a mile a minute, went out of her way to tell me that she had "allergies" cropping up, and then made some interesting comment about "well if you happen to snort something up your nose..." Ya, that reminds me of the good ol' days when I used to accidentally slip and fall into a line up my nose... or something like that...

Now, let me be very clear that I am not accusing her of actually doing drugs, just that what she was saying reminded me of a less than pleasant time in my life that I can never forget about but can always learn from.

Anyhow, I still think they have great coffee, and very nice eye candy... I recommend the Everett Mall Way location, which you can find by clicking on the link here. My favorite drink is the 20oz Peppermint Mocha with whipped c


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in everett, bitch killa

...then that would be the cleverest trick!

I read that today in a book full of poems by "Rumi" who is a pretty damn good... thinker... I guess you could say.

All of that aside, if you want to know more about Rumi, click the link above and it will take you to the Wikipedia page about him.

I decided to write this post after I read that line in this book, from a poem entitled "Quatrains" which is basically a grouping of four-line stanzas into one large poem. Again, if you want to know more about that specific term, there is a link for you above.

Now down to the meat of this issue... I find it interesting that if you really look around you in life, at the things you see, read, experience... but not necessarily influence, you can find just a little deeper meaning that can serve as a guide. I read this, and I believe that I read this today because I need to concentrate on letting go of the situation just a bit more.

I've worked on this before, but need to continue to work on it again... today, tomorrow and apply yesterday's lessons to what I am doing currently... really to every step I decide to take.

This last weekend some shitty bullshit occurred that I am completely and 100% responsible for. Everyone tells me that I should go after "this person" or "that person" in order to rectify it... and while I might be able to place blame on someone else for the loss and/or damage of my personal items... and believe me, there was a time when I would have jumped at the chance to... I think that for right now, I need to concentrate on how and maybe why I chose to put myself into a situation where that sort of thing was able to happen.

This isn't to say that I don't value the opinions of my friend's, but moreover it is to say that I am moving closer to a place where I can consider such opinions and options in my life without having to run like a wild beast at every good idea I hear.

I think that in this instance, letting go of my need to be clever and tricky in order to get over on someone, or undo something that I am in the end, completely responsible for, is another great step on my road to recovery.

I guess nobody ever said this was going to be easy... and god knows it was a seriously horrendous amount of work to get me here... but I know that when I have thoughts like this, and I make the right decision, that I am treading water again at least, and not slowly drowning like I was before. Thank god for air... and the ability to take it in.


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in bothell, bitch killa, the pain of getting well

...and I punch you in the neck ASAP?

What is it about lunch-ladies that just makes me want to projectile vomit every time I see them? Here is my list:

1. Most of them seem like they have some kind of brain damage
2. If they don't have brain damage, then they are on tweak
3. They are always mean
4. They are never NOT ugly

Food is supposed to spark some kind of appeal, but for some reason they like to pair food up with the fucking hunchback of Notre Dame... fucking Quasimodo shitty bitch ass tricks...

-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in bothell, bitch killa

Hello everyone, I just thought I would give a quick head's up to the fact that we are no longer supporting the email subscription.

Here is why:

1. I came up with the idea when I was high one day...
2. It's a shitty idea
3. Only the staff was actually using it
4. RSS is way better

Reasons I came up with for keeping it:

1. Rooster said it annoyed him

Well there you have it... It just wasn't worth keeping, even if I did get a tiny bit of pleasure out of it...

-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in bothell, bitch killa, stupid fuckers

...it's already too late for your ass.

There's actually a logical reason for that... it's because once my anger starts boiling... it usually takes the house going up in flames for it to return to normal levels. I don't generally have the "luxury" of simply taking the pan/pot off of the burner to cool it down.

That said, I don't like being pissed off in the morning. I don't really give a fuck what is going on in your life/day/moment or childhood to cause you to fuck up in my presence, I am a selfish prick mother fucker in the morning and that ISN'T changing.

I won't ever be "Mr. Nicey Nice" in the morning, and I would rather get in a fist fight then act all "happy go lucky" in the morning. Just ask my ex-girlfriend, in fact she hates that shit so much that I'm sure I drove her to the point of punching me more than once. She has a bit more self control however, so I don't think she actually followed through with it... that I can remember at least. Anyhow, that's another subject for another time...

This morning I got up, just like I do at the same time every morning. I stepped out of my bedroom and into the bathroom when I heard someone ask me if I was going to take a shower...

Let's just stop right here... because really, it doesn't fucking matter what in the hell i was or wasn't going to do. I was going to do it, and I will continue doing it at the same fucking time every morning.

So next time you have a fucking variance in YOUR schedule, make sure you don't fuck up MY SCHEDULE by trying to muscle in and hawk eye the fucking bathroom that you like to dirty the fuck out of and then not clean like you are supposed to.

Oh also, if you happen to read this today, and feel like you might want to say something to me, I want you to think about a couple of things first... like for instance:

1. The cereal that I paid for but your daughter ate and then you left open to get it stale
2. My lotion and mouthwash that you clearly help yourself to without asking
3. Your fucking noisy kid that you don't discipline and let run down the fucking hall early in the morning
4. The free shit I gave you yesterday
5. Your shitty ass bullshit attitude about everything
6. The half empty cups/glasses that you leave literally EVERY-FUCKING-WHERE in the house
7. The fucking shitty ass toys that you let your kid leave in the bathtub, EVERY FUCKING DAY after she takes a bath
8. The hole you burned in the front living room carpet

I think that what bothers me the most is that you don't pay any rent to act like such a piece of shit, and you don't even do the chores that you are supposed to be do

Ok, I'm going to stop there... only because if you do read this, I don't want to feel guilty if you should decide to just end it all...

-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in everett, bitch killa, the pain of getting well

...you need to have your badge where everyone can see it.

So I am grabbing some lunch in the cafeteria here, and as I'm heading out the door to go eat my food, this clearly very bored, "fake-curity" guard stops me and tells me that I need to have my badge displayed in a location that is visible to everyone.

Well, the funny thing about this statement is that "everyone" clearly doesn't give a fuck where in the hell my badge is... the truth of the matter is that only the fake-curity guard cares where my badge is displayed.

The second item I want to bring up, is the well kept idea that you just shouldn't get between a dog and its bone, food or whatever the fuck he has his eyes set on, in this case the word "food" would be appropriate.

Now I understand that I don't look much like a dog... but I sure do act like one when I'm hungry and someone gets stupid with me. In fact I act like a rabid wolf going after a bloody heard of sheep when I'm hungry, and I really don't give a fuck what gets in my way.

Had this not been a new job, or maybe in another life, I think the conversation would have gone like this:

"Umm sir... you need to display your badge where everyone can see it."

"Oh, that's funny... see, I came down here to the LUNCHROOM for some lunch. I don't remember coming down here to ask what in the fuck your shitty ass thought about where I have my badge clipped. But you know, I think if I look a little harder in my pockets, I might be able to find you another helping of "shut your fat fucking mouth you wannabe cop" or at the very least a tasty "bird" for you to feast your eyes on."

"Uhhh, uhhh... sir, your language is inappropriate for the workplace."

"Uhhh, uhhh... I can't understand you when you have four donuts in your mouth, and quite frankly YOU are inappropriate for the workplace you fucking disgruntled parking Nazi."

"Uhh...."

"That's right, just chew on your hand a bit more until you find some other violation to ding me on. How in the fuck are you going to chase someone down when you can't fall out of the chair you sit in? Oh I see, you call this "running a race to point out everyone else's problems before you face your own..." shit, and this whole time I thought you were suffering from chronic obesity with type 2 diabetes not far behind in the marathon to end your pitiful existence. I guess you really do learn something new every day...."

So anyhow, obviously things didn't go down like that... and obviously it just isn't healthy for any human being in their right mind to go from calm to that angry in a matter of seconds...

It sure would have kicked some major ass if had gone down like that though, last I heard this person was trying to write a book called "Diary of a loser with nothing better to do."

-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in bothell, bitch killa, business is business

So, I'm just about to leave for the day and so I thought I would post a little "somethin, somethin" about my first day at work.

I overslept 30 minutes this morning, which was on purpose because I shorted myself on sleep by attending a group function last night at a very late time. This caused me to skip breakfast, and I must say that I was very thankful to find out that my new place of employment has a cafeteria very much like the one I had grown accustomed to as a contractor at Microsoft.

Score.

So after having the healthy version of the Egg McMuffin (sorry McDonald's), followed by some fresh fruit and a coffee (yes, I'm back on the "sauce" again...), I was ready to go!

Most of what I saw today was kind of a "refresher" or blast from the past as I've done similar work in the past. What I was super interested in is the fact that I get to learn a ton about large scale medical equipment now, so that's kick ass.

Other than that, I pissed some more people off this morning with my "Bitch Killa" stickers on my car, noticed a ton of people on the freeway that definitely weren't very excited to be on their way to work, and made a resolution to get to bed early from now on so that I can ensure a nice breakfast and less rush on my way to work.

I sound so adult now... it's almost sickening...


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in bothell, bitch killa, business is business

Hey everyone, I have to apologize for keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself for so long... it's really killing every one's unproductive daily life at work I guess...

I'm at my grandparents house right now... looking out onto the canal between Magnolia and Ballard. I really miss living in Magnolia...


On my way here from Everett, I couldn't help but notice a lady behind me getting very angry about the bumper sticker in my window which reads "Bitch Killa." I swear she wrote down my license plate number, and also spent some time yelling at her steering wheel over the fact that she couldn't get around me in traffic. That's right trick, your Nissan Sentra is a piece of shit compared to my GTI, now recognize and bow down to the king.... trick...

Anyhow, that's all I have to say right now, get the fuck over it.



-link

Labels: a day in the life of, bitch killa

When I wake up in the mornin' love,
And the sunlight hurts my eyes,
Then somethin' without warnin' love,
Bears heavy on my mind...

That's the opening verse from "Sunshine" by Twista which was released back in the early 2000's (I think 2002-2003 or something around there... I don't feel like looking it up).

In reality it was sampled from another song recorded in 1978 by Bill Withers and Skip Scarborough, the original writer/creators of the song.

Either way... I wanted to start out with that today because it reminds me of how I used to start each day.... with something bearing heavy on my mind each morning.

Since I made the decision to clean up my life, I've noticed that each day I am just a bit more willing to get up and face the day, in fact today I think I was actually excited to get up and go for a walk early in the morning before most people are even awake. I plan to move up to a jog and then a jog with some bursts of running to push myself, but first things first.

Today I get the pleasure of going to have lunch with my aunt, and to see my grandparents again. I love my grandparents and my eldest aunt very much, they have been an unshakable influence in my life, and when I find that I have lost my way, or the swells in the water are too much to handle, I have always been able to depend on them for a safe harbor. For that I am eternally grateful.

That brings up another subject that I want to place some more focus on, my Grandmother. I love her so very much, and I cannot even begin to list the things she has done for me in my life without even mentioning word one about it, always letting someone else take the credit or just letting things go. I went to visit them on Easter weekend and I found out that she had been praying for me, and that she knew I was on something the entire time, but never said anything to me about it I felt like my heart broke in half.

This very strong woman has Parkinson's, can barely move, and still finds time to devote her energy to my well being... even now... even after I basically threw it back in her face and told her it didn't matter to me, even though it really does tremendously.

For that, I will always carry shame. I realize now that I have to carry this badge for the rest of my life, and that the only thing I can do to make it better is to not be that way ever again.

I remember a time when I kept saying "someday I'll go visit... someday I'll be sober and go spend time with her..." and now my friends I know, that someday never comes. It's not just a catchy tune in a song, it's not just some fancy thing to make you feel motivated for 30 seconds and then forget about your problems. It's the truth. We have only the here and now to work with, not tomorrow, and certainly not yesterday.

I heard something pretty cool in class the other day:

"You have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow and you are pissing all over today."

...and that's the way it is...

Music: Sunshine - Twista, Changes - 2pac, Same Direction - Hoobastank (I know... so just keep your opinions to yourself on my music taste)


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in everett, bitch killa, the pain of getting well

...because it may not be there when you decide to turn back.

I was sitting in this very well known fellowship meeting yesterday... and we decided to talk about a subject entitled "blind trust."

It's something I'm having trouble with right now, that and an overwhelming presence of anger. The trust issue however is something that I have to tackle before the anger leaves. I feel this way for a few reasons... but I guess I don't really want to talk about those yet.

This post is more about what I heard at this meeting yesterday, what a certain someone in the meeting said that really caught me by the ear... and the heart.

This person talked about his experience with trust, and while I can't remember word for word what he said, I did write down a few points of interest that I thought I would share:

1. Truth without love is cruelty
2. Getting up in someones face over a matter or situation that you don't have an answer for is brutality
3. You've been trusting people like yourself your entire life, so why should that change now
4. There is no growth in things that are the same and comfortable
5. You have been assigning the role of friend to people you don't even like

Out of everything he said, I wrote those five things down because they really just took my mind away to another place.

I thought about elaborating on what each one means... but really, it doesn't matter what they mean to me. Everyone who reads these is going to have their own meaning, and their own past situations to which they can attribute the phrases.

Also, for my dear friends that I still definitely talk to and interact with, don't be alarmed by #5. That was more of a retrospective thing for me... just being able to look back and further justify why I had chosen to break certain relationships or bonds off.

So that's that... I guess I really don't have a ton to say this morning... mainly because I'm caught up in much of my own thought today.

This weekend was good times for the most part. There were little issues here and there, but really, who doesn't have those? I got to see quite a few people that I hadn't seen in awhile, and I got to do it looking more healthy, and feeling better about myself. For that, I am consistently and always grateful.

-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in everett, bitch killa, the pain of getting well

So this is really more about how I felt during the day yesterday... because some shit went down at treatment last night that didn't make me too happy. I can't dwell on it, I just have to move forward... but it's still upsetting.

So yesterday, I was listening to AC/DC's "Back in Black" and reading the lyrics. It's something that I've always enjoyed doing, but lately I seem to be gleaning all kinds of new information and thoughts from this music I am "re-listening" to....

I guess I can really relate to this:

Back in black, I hit the sack,
I've been too long, I'm glad to be back
Yes I'm let loose from the noose,That's kept me hangin' about
I been livin like a star 'cause it's gettin' me high,
Forget the hearse, 'cause I never die
I got nine lives, cat's eyes abusing every one of them and running wild

Deep... that's pretty much EXACTLY what I was doing. Who knew I was a rock-star in a past life. Speaking of past lives, I just met this lady that said when she drank she became a "LasVegas showgirl-therapist".... dancing all wild on the stage and trying to give anyone advice who would listen. I think we all know people like that, and I think we can all relate to the idea that it's sometimes easier to concentrate on fixing someone else rather than ourselves.

So yesterday, I shared my thoughts on this song with group, and then promptly in front of the entire group, my counselor accused me of relapsing. I told him he was full of shit, and that I really thought he had said that because I was making analogies with old rock music.

He then gave the entire class a lesson on urinalysis using my past three results. I then responded by ripping him a new asshole in front of everyone. He then took the high moral ground and told me that it's evident to everyone in the room how tight of a grip my addiction has on me. That made me furious, so I refused to participate in group for the next two hours by being silent.

I'm finding that it's hard for me to admit when I'm wrong, or even consider other possibilities when I feel like I am being attacked. That's something that I have to work on.

The fact of the matter is this, I did not relapse on purpose. I did not intentionally use (we are talking about marijuana here). I did however intentionally put myself in many trigger zones this past weekend, one of which happened to be a room filled with pot smoke. I didn't think it would show up on a test because 1) I didn't get high, and 2) I wasn't actually smoking or ingesting the pot. I was wrong.

That was early Sunday morning. Then Monday I went back down to my mom's house to get some things, took a look at a bag that my sister had purchased, and out of habit I licked the bag flap to hold it closed after I rolled it up. That probably also contributed to my "off the scale" results.

Some further details:

Two tests ago, I had a ratio of THC to urine strength of something around 180. I took another test on Monday evening, which came back with a ratio of 487. A very substantial increase (I'm approximating numbers now because I don't remember the exact values, this is because I was so angry about being accused of doing something that I knew I didn't do) which my counselor decided meant that I had smoked.

For me the argument was over use vs. no-use. To him the argument was about being honest vs. trying to cover up my activities for the weekend. I had another talk with him after group, and even though I didn't "intentionally relapse" he is now very concerned about all of these stupid little "trigger areas" that I revealed to him in hopes of clearing my good name. He considers this a relapse whether I used or not, and I now understand why. Now that I am calm.

The fact of the matter is that I had no right to rip him a new one in front of class, and he probably should have at least prepared me for the situation before group rather than springing it on me. Unfortunately though, that's a desire not a need... the reality in life is that we are very seldom prepared for situations that we don't want to handle or acknowledge, and understanding that is living life on life's terms, not mine.

This entire situation upsets me. I feel like my credibility with my group is shot, and that everyone thinks I'm a liar because of this scientific test that they use and my loss of temper in front of everyone. I feel like no matter what I say, that they are all just excuses and that I need to just take this with a smile on my face and accept the reality that I'm not in charge of this situation, even though I want to be more than anything.

I don't feel sober now, I feel drunk on anger... I feel like this anger will consume me again if I let it, and I think that I can only displace this anger in my heart with love, understanding and a strong determination to get this right at any cost.

I didn't use, and I know in my heart and soul that I didn't. That means quite a bit to me simply because there was a time when I didn't care, and now is a time where I do care. I care deeply, and I know that's part of why it makes me so angry that I got called out for something I thought was harmless... simply being around it.

I started participating in group near the end, and I talked to my counselor after group and apologized for my actions during group. He told me the apology is the first step, and that I need to process this entire event with group today and tomorrow while he is out on vacation.

This means we have a "substitute" counselor for the next two days... she is the director of the treatment center and super critical. Super... I can't wait....

Music: Tool - 10,000 Days


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in everett, bitch killa, the pain of getting well

Go figure, when you start eating right, sleeping right and become drug and alcohol free.... your body starts hitting up what I like to call the "farmer schedule" and tries to get you out of bed all early and shit....

bah....


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in everett, bitch killa, the pain of getting well

...rather than percent?

Well here's why:

"The percentage of alcohol in distilled liquors is commonly expressed in degrees of "proof" rather than as a percentage of pure alcohol. This measure developed from the seventeenth-century English custom of "proving" that an alcoholic drink was of sufficient strength by mixing it with gunpowder and attempting to ignite it. If the drink contained 49 percent alcohol by weight or 57 percent by volume, it could be ignited. Proof is approximately double the percentage of pure alcohol. A 100 proof whiskey is therefore 50 percent pure alcohol; an 86 proof whiskey is 43 percent alcohol."

If you want to know where I got that info, you can ask, otherwise I will spare you the nasty details.


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in everett, bitch killa, the pain of getting well

I suppose that the most difficult part of coming back to reality is dealing with all of the broken pieces... the wreckage you left behind. Realizing that it's cleanup time, and understanding that not everyone wants to participate in that activity.

I went to visit my family this weekend. My mom and sister, aunt and uncle on Saturday, and then my grandparents and my other aunt on Sunday.

I can't really say which day went better, because they were both full of pain. But I can say that I feel better now that I have started to reach out and patch up these relationships that I have let crumble.

I think probably the hardest thing for me to hear is that my grandmother, someone who can't really walk or move around all that well anymore, has spent her days praying for me, praying that I would be taken care of and that I would find my way out of the dark cave that I had chosen to live in. Still, even when she can't move around or do hardly anything on her own, she still does things for me, she still cares and still wants to help. I'm not even sure what more to say about that....

My aunt that lives with my grandparents was ecstatic to see how much better I look. She also told me that she was proud of me because it takes a lot of courage to do what I am doing, to admit that you are wrong and fix it, to move forward even when everything in your mind is telling you that you don't have to change to get better.

Saturday was a much bigger roller coaster, I went to my mom's house, saw my sister and my mom, both of who are hurting pretty bad right now. My sister is addicted to Meth-Amphetamines and my mom has pretty much given up when it comes to life and the pursuit of happiness... in "this world" anyhow...

My mom is more concerned about how she is going to mow her lawn then how she is going to eat. My sister is lost in her drugs, in that dark cave that I just left. I can't help but feel partially responsible for that, just because I certainly didn't set a great example for her. Everything I have accomplished had some type of addiction tied into it, so I'm quite sure that she thought everything would be ok for her as well if she kept using. That's hard to swallow....

My aunt and uncle in Kent are doing very well on the other hand. My aunt has stopped drinking, the house is slowly but surely being repaired and coming out of the ruin it has been in for the past ten years... also due to another nasty addiction that affected that part of my family.

I think when I look around and I see these problems becoming less and less in my family, it makes me happy, and it gives me something to hold onto as I get better. I also know that I have to make a serious decision about how much I want to interact with my own mother, mainly because how she acts and manipulates others is a very big trigger for me to use again. It's hard to admit to yourself that your creator would do you harm if they could, even unconsciously, it's still harm. I can't stress enough how sad that makes me, and how hard it is for me to accept that and move on. I want to help her, fuck I want to fix the whole thing for her... but I can't keep jumping in the fire to do it, because sooner or later I will catch and burn.... and I won't be able to put myself out....

There is nothing more dangerous than a man on fire in his own mind. He will do anything to put out the flames.... until he can extinguish them on his own, he should be avoided at all costs.

I'll leave you all with the horoscope that I received on my phone this morning courtesy of MSN mobile alerts. I want to preface this by saying that I don't necessarily believe that an incoming sms will change my life, but I do like to take inspiration from things that I read, and that includes these silly little horoscope things:

"Leo - Go ahead and throw your plan out the window. Follow your bliss."

...maybe I'll do just that....

Still no cigarettes!! 100% sober for 13 days!!!

Music: Lynyrd Skynyrd - Sweet Home Alabama

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in everett, bitch killa, the pain of getting well

So a coworker pulls me over and shows me this today... pretty decent search engine. Not sure if the masses on here have seen it or not, but I figured I'd share....bitches...

Labels: a day in the life of, business is business

Today was pretty wild... I'm just not even sure where to start or what to say about what I start with... so I'll just tell you how it happened, in order:

My day started with some extreme back pain followed by my mom sending me an instant message over MSN messenger. She told me that she is definitely going to sell the house, followed by a bunch of other stuff about why... and then something that caught my attention more than the rest of what she was telling me. She said "If I sell the house then I can at least pay off the bills and not leave anyone with debts," which sounded very strange to me because my mom is only in her 50's, and with medical science the way it is, I can't see her not living until at least her late 70's.

I'm really not sure what that means, and since my mom has mentioned and well pretty much threatened suicide before, I am a bit worried. I think that's all that I will say about that subject... mainly because thinking about it too much makes me very upset.

I decided to go over to a friend's house today, rather than sit at home and look for jobs by myself, and on my way over there I received a call from the King County Regional Justice Center. They were calling to try and locate my kid sister.

My sister is unfortunately dating some idiot that is now being investigated/charged with the possession of stolen property and attempting to distribute narcotics, specifically meth-amphetamines. At first, they had only charged my sister's boyfriend and were merely "investigating" my sister. I bailed her out of jail over the matter and explained to her that it would be in her best interest to move back in with our mom and get away from her jackass boyfriend. She agreed, that is until they dropped the charges on him... at which point she decided that everything was fine and dandy, and that she would be staying with him.

This broke my heart. My sister is only 19, and really just beginning her adult life and she is already fucking it up by getting involved with this shit. I guess I wouldn't be so upset or scared if I hadn't been there myself. Maybe I worry too much about not being able to take back the things you do in life...

Anyhow, everything was fine and dandy.. until they decided that since they couldn't catch her boyfriend, they would instead put the squeeze on her. She is now being charged with everything that he had been charged for earlier, and all because the house was in her name... because she had the "good" (to be read as "new") credit.

So that leads me back to this call, where they kindly informed me that my sister has court this coming Monday and is being charged with possession of stolen property and intent to distribute narcotics. I thought it was pretty nice of King County Courts to call and remind her, in fact I couldn't believe it. I've dealt with King County on more than one occasion and I don't think that I have ever received a phone call before.

Let's move on...

I arrive at my friend's house, we shoot the shit for a while, discuss our mothers and our brothers with another mother and whatever else you want to throw in there. Then we depart to run some errands, during which I receive a phone call from my own house.

It's my old buddy that I have mentioned here before, the one I have stopped talking to... the one I haven't called back all week. He is in my house, talking to me on the house phone. I am a bit scared... I wasn't sure how he got in, if my roommate was OK, or what the situation was really. Don't get me wrong, he's not a horrible person, he's just lost... and I just don't trust his decision making abilities right now.

He started off with the usual bullshit.. something about breaking into my house, that I am a skeezer and I am pretty sure the "N" bomb was thrown in there a few times as well. I quickly interrupted him, told him that I was right in the middle of something, that I would have to talk to him later about why I hadn't called him back all week... but more specifically and to the point, that I wouldn't be home for a few hours, so he should leave.

He hung up before I told him to leave, and I think probably before I even got to the part about not being home for a few hours... My roommate had in fact been home, she was the one who let him in and let him use the phone to call me. She also informed me that when he showed up to the house, he was so high that he could barely open his eyes. He then started telling my roommate that I had been really distant, and hard to get a hold of lately... and therefore that I must be "back on the pills." Cute dude... fucking cute. I seriously cannot even fucking believe that you have the balls to come over to my house uninvited, high, and then try to tell my roommate that I am the one doing drugs... what in the fuck is your problem G? You don't ever do that again, and you don't ever cross my gaze again, lest we have a discussion absent of words.

I should probably move on or this will be 20 pages before I'm done...

More of the day went by, I had a good time hanging out with my buddy. Made plans to play with Lego's with another friend of mine (I know, super geeky, but I love Lego's... so fuck you), and got a bunch of other random shit taken care of like applying for jobs, moving forward on some other plans that I have in the works, etc, etc. Then I received a text message... it asked me whether or not I was still mad.

I don't want to mention who the sender was, but yes, I am still very mad. In fact I'm not sure quite when I will be "not mad" again. . To be frank, you chose to protect someone that you didn't even like until I introduced you. You betrayed your friend of around 5 years by witholding information that could have changed some things. Like maybe my dignity...

You threw that away when you chose to hold onto that information. I don't care why you thought it was a good idea not to get involved... in fact I'll tell you right off that I think that's bullshit. You only do that when you don't care about someone at all, when you don't really give a fuck if they get screwed over and don't even know that it's coming....

So yes... I am still mad, very mad.... and I will be until I do something about it.

Labels: a day in the life of, bitch killa, stupid fuckers