....to get me to post again. Something either really awesome and kick-ass or on the converse... something just utterly shitty.

I suppose as far as "being shitty" goes, this would be on the lighter end as it turns out better than it could have... but, it was still shitty.

So, I guess it's on with the show:

...all of the sudden we were in the car. I wasn't really sure how I got there, especially in the passenger seat with my mom driving. I certainly don't mind riding shotgun with my mom driving (not that I would ever admit if I did), but things felt odd this time for some reason. I suppose it could have to do with the fact that my mom actually lives 1,447 mi – about 23 hours 44 mins away from me now, but who really knows...

Something came onto the radio, and my mom was either upset about what she heard on the radio, or perhaps I made a comment about the commentary which she didn't agree with or like very much. My bad.

She looked down and then off to the left out of the driver's side window, at which point I looked out the front of the car through the windshield and saw that we were heading straight for the end of some kind of pier/dock like structure.

I realize quickly that at our current speed it will be mere seconds before we are IN the water. I yell "mom watch out!!" and try to grab for the wheel so I can turn it hard to the right and hopefully give us a rough, but safe escape from this crazy ass watery grave in front of us.... I was too late. We drove right off of the end of this pier and we hit the water going pretty fast. The impact felt so hard, but with my heart pumping so hard and adrenaline coursing through my veins, all I could do was wait for the water.

What seemed like almost no time later at all, the water was rushing into the car pretty fast. I knew I needed to break the window or we were going to be fucked. I needed to equalize the pressure so we could open the door and get out. I attempt to go into action, but I can barely move. The freezing cold water has completely robbed me of all of my energy and it was all I could do to even lift up my arm. I was stuck.

I looked to my mom. I say "to" because my "plan" was to look at her for some direction on what to do. All I could see was terror in her face. She was so terrified that she had shut down. I felt without control, more helpless than I have ever felt, and like a failure because I couldn't save my mom.

Then I woke up.

Yes, I woke up @ around 4:45 AM PST yesterday (Thursday morning) and my heart was beating so fast because my mind thought the dream was real that I had to go smoke a cig just to calm back down enough to close my eyes and lie still.

What a shitty nightmare... which really wasn't very fresh to death at all....


...and now I want some fucking awesome "welcome back" comments! So fucking get to it!


-link

Labels: adventures in kenmore, fresh to death, thoughts

So, I just found out on Monday that my wonderful Grandfather passed away in his sleep on Sunday night. He was 83 and died from complications due to lung cancer.

I found out via email. I received an email from my mom, and the subject line said only "Marvin." I knew instantly what was inside the email, and even though I didn't want to read it, nor did I want to go through the emotional roller coaster that I knew I had just received a ticket for.... but I did. I cut to the front of the line, gave the crazy carnie my ticket and then I got on the ride and DID NOT fasten my seat belt. A part of me wanted to feel it entirely... and if you know me, you know that I don't like to fell anything entirely. I sample emotions and feelings, then I drown them out with something, then I move forward.

There is no part of me that wants to drown this out, or move forward, or forget about how awful it is to feel someone go....

I'm upset. I'm furious. I'm sad. I want to cry. I don't want to cry. All at the same time.

I feel broken and alone one moment, and then the very next completely strong and ready to make sure that my Grandpa gets a really great show now that he has a front row seat to my life from heaven.

Then there is that.... just the idea that he is watching me from up above.. it makes me think about my life and how I conduct it... and really I guess it has also opened my eyes to the fact that I can be a pretty private, closed and sometimes even shady person when the right circumstances are present.

It has definitely given me the opportunity to think about what I would like to be able to look back on when I get older and retire. Specifically, it has caused me to focus on what I can do to improve my situation, but more importantly, how I can make sure that the way I conduct myself improves instantly so that working on the remainder of my life isn't something that I'm so ashamed of (something I guess I really hadn't realized completely until I had this lingering feeling that someone I respect greatly might actually be able to see what I do and how I act....)

I'm sure this probably sounds just completely insane to some of you, and to others perhaps a bit too familiar... either way, I plan to use this motivation to grow and overcome many if not all of my current demons, regardless of how healthy or un-healthy anyone else thinks it might be to believe in the idea of an afterlife for my loved ones, and that the afterlife I choose to believe in is strongly connected to "real life" in a "highway to heaven" sort of way.

Well... here's to life and death.. and the sanity and insanity that comes along with the experience. I have a single source of relief on this subject in that my Grandpa is no longer in pain. He no longer has to lie in bed day in and day out in extreme pain, a pain so horrible that it hurts to just lie there, it hurts to talk... fuck... it hurts to exist. I am happy that my Grandpa is no longer in pain, and that he was able to live a full life, and that the last time I spoke to him it was a great talk, and that he told me he loved me, and that he also let me know that out of everyone in my family that he knows he doesn't have to worry about me.

Thank you Grandpa. Thank you very much for taking all the time that you did in my life to show me how to live properly, how to be a man, how to take accountability for what I have done, but more so how to approach life with a perspective that won't get me in trouble, that will allow me to succeed. If not for you Grandpa, I would not have a great job like I have now, I would not be into computers, nor would I care about work and having good work ethic. I know our paths kind of grew apart in recent years, mainly because I've been so busy (something that I regret allowing to happen now...), but you always let me know that you found happiness in knowing that I was doing well, and you always sacrificed your time with me so that I might work harder towards the goals I have set for myself in life.

The bottom line here, and why I know I feel so empty at the mere thought of you being gone, is the time you invested in me. You didn't have to do any of that. You didn't have to demand that my mom let me come stay with you and Grandma when I was 4. You didn't have to open your door to me when my mom and I were fighting so bad that she threw me out @ 15. You didn't have to waste a single moment thinking about me, but you did. You invested many moments, many cherished and wonderful moments that I will never forget in me. You taught me everything I know, and even some that I wanted to forget... but I haven't, because it was something that came from you.

Every serious choice I make in my life gives me a chance to ask myself "what would Grandpa do here?" and I can honestly say that compass has led me through some very stormy seas with a tender hug and stern words. Every decision in my life involves you on some level. You taught me how to speak to people, how to sell a refrigerator to an Eskimo, how to care for those closest to me without allowing them to pull me into the hole that they are in, how to know when to draw the line and when to erase it because perhaps I've gone too far. You taught me how to evaluate whether or not I am wrong, and that it's not always about what I want, and that when I work hard for something I can not only achieve it but I can enjoy it.

You told me what to expect in life and why I should feel secure about who I am, and where I came from. You taught me to believe in myself, and that even though I am related to some "interesting" people, it in no way defines or controls how I choose to live life, nor does it define how good I can feel about my accomplishments. You taught me that if anything it's a badge of honor, a sign of success after struggle, of composure after chaos, of sunshine after rain. You taught me how to let the sun shine on the inside before I let it shine on the outside.

You taught me how to be me. Thank you so much for everything Grandpa, I will always love you and I already miss you. I'm so glad that you aren't in pain anymore though, and in a way knowing that you are in a better place lets me breath a little deeper, think a little harder and work a little smarter at this game we call life.

Well, pull up a chair old friend, let's play a game of rummy, drink some coffee and then you can watch the show, which you invested so much time and energy in, called... my life. My only goal now is to ensure that the tickets were more than worth every drop of blood, sweat and tears that you were able to give to me. Thank you again Grandpa for caring. Thank you for not just writing me off as a lost cause simply because of who my parents were. Thank you for seeing through the anger, frustration and loss of composure that was my childhood and taking the time to wipe the darkness away so that I was able to see the light. Thank you for saving me.


-link

Labels: adventures in kenmore, adventures in seattle, current events, thoughts

....for anyone foolish enough to attempt to steal them.

I was in the mood for a good laugh today, actually I was "in need" of a good laugh today. So, I checked out the page which is also available at the source link below and did some reading from "Simon's good ideas for websites" where he clearly states "do not copy these ideas as they are mine."

HAH! You show them Simon, clearly nobody will be able to thwart your rock-solid attempt to retain your intellectual property (and by "rock-solid" I definitely mean "pitiful and clearly destined to fail before anyone was even able to visit the website"). But really, these are fucking funny!

Here are a few of my favorites (remember, this is not my creation, property, original thoughts, or even refined thoughts... these are "Simon's" thoughts, and as such all positive and encouraging feedback should be directed to him via visiting the source link below. If you find this disclaimer hard to read, then good, it means that I have done my job correctly):

deceasedlovedones.com
This would be a website where you pay a fee to join and are given your own web page with an empty blog. In the event of your death, you can use the page to write a message to your loved ones. Similar setup to prepaid funerals. Your loved ones can either log on and check whether you have left a message for them or can opt to receive an email notifying them when you leave a message.

whereaboutsami.com
This would be a website where users can write the name of the city and street they are on and I would tell them where they are.

uploadyourscreen.com
A website where the user takes a screenshot of their computer screen and uploads it so that when they are looking at porn and the boss walks past they can type in the link and go to it instead.

Aren't these just fucking awesome?!?!?!?! I don't know about you, but I definitely would find some good use in having a "preset" blog where I could just write my loved ones a note after I die while I'm on my way to the pearly gates and all of that...

Heh, that is kind of a big assumption... maybe I should just say "on my way to the next level..." as though this were all just a video game. I'll have to remember to bring my +7 Ass Kicker. If you are wondering what that is, it's basically a shoe.... with a steel toe (that's where the whole +7 comes in).


-link

Labels: adventures in kenmore, funny shit, thoughts

....to only date girls who are of an Asian descent.

You can check out the source link below, and I think that should "close the deal" for most of you. But if that doesn't do it, then click the link anyhow, use some of the pics as your desktop background... and I feel like after about 48 hours of staring at the super hot Asian chick, you will then realize AND agree with my decision to date Asian only.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking... probably something along the lines of "try getting a dick that's not the size of a toothpick and you might be able to fuck a girl who isn't super tiny and you might experience what we call "sex you can feel"....

To that I say "fuck you, your eye socket is next on my list..." u know, that's what I would say if someone was actually talking shit... not that they are, but in my game I'm always ready for some sucka to get caught slippin....


-link

Labels: adventures in kenmore, hot girls, thoughts

I was almost done, almost all the way out... and then I get pulled over Thursday night on my way home. Turns out the computer says that my license is suspended. Awesome.

So, turns out I still owe Bothell Municipal Courts $277.00. After paying that yesterday I go over to the DOL to "un-suspend" my license, which they do. They then inform me that a "replacement" license will be $250 for me.

Two hundred and fifty fucking dollars for a license without a hole in it.

I cannot even fucking believe this shit. Now I get to go fuck around all over again....

I'm very disappointed.


-link

Labels: adventures in kenmore, stupid fuckers, thoughts

Why yes, yes I do... just like I need another hole in my head....

In fact, I wanted to call some attention to a nice little ad I saw on "teh internats" today: Wow, now if I knew for sure that the person on the other end of the chat session was, 1) a girl, and 2) looked like the girl above... 24/7... I would be all about chatting with "sexy singles" and I would probably spend so much time doing it that I wouldn't leave the house....

Fortunately for me, I know better. I also know that the girls they use in the ads look nothing like the girls who join these sites who usually have the lowest, worst, unimaginably horrible self esteem.

I've definitely dated a few girls with low self esteem, hell if I wanted to be super honest I would probably even say that I had contributed to the lowering of aforementioned self esteem once we were dating (not that I'm so spectacular that everyone around me ends up hating themselves... but more like I can be a pretty big asshole when I really set my mind to it... not that I set my mind to it... it just seems to happen).

I think what I need more than anything, certainly more than some sexy piece of ass, is a person who is confident in who they are, confident that they want to be with me, and is willing to love me at my worst. I say that because I truly believe that there is no such thing as the "perfect" relationship, but there are people who are "perfect" for one another in the sense that they can accept the other person's faults completely, hands down without condition.

Well, no news flash there, in fact that's probably something that I have actually believed since I was 15 (so like a billion years ago), but I haven't really applied it to my life.

In addition to some other changes I am making in my life, I have vowed, resolved, promised myself, that the next girl isn't going to just be a hot piece of ass, a young piece of ass, a tight vajayjay, big knockers, or any combination of these as a qualifier for dating. Those things are all very nice, but the next girl is going to need to have a real personality, some goals, some accomplishments, and even some failures that she has learned from....

....let's hope anyways... let's hope....

-link

Labels: adventures in kenmore, thoughts