...is what I am feeling right now. I think it's been quite some time since I have felt this kind of horrible, gut-wrenching anger.

My job is hectic. There is quite a bit going on, so I try to have my focus placed on work as much as possible right now.

On the other side of things is my family, doing their best I suppose... with the exception of one person who seems to be going out of her way to be a bitch to everyone.

I will spare you all the details of her childish antics which have more of an effect on my sister and my cousin than anyone. I'll stick to the most recent thing she has pulled which seems to effect only me.

Quite some time ago I lent her a wireless router that I wasn't using, which I thought would be helpful in showering my grandparents house with wifi signal. I could use it when I came over, and so could other family members as they decided to get laptops and such.

Well, this was working great until she went crazy and basically decided to "war" with everyone in the family (another story entirely).

So, about a week ago I guess she decided that she didn't want anyone else using the Internet that she paid for (she lives in the house rent free), and unhooked the router. I went over to my grandparent's house today, and needed to get online and finish up some work before the work week started only to find that the signal was gone.

I confronted her about it, at which point she decided to stand there and lie to me about her reasons for unhooking the router (I guess she forgot where I work, or thinks maybe that I don't understand how computers and networks function). Either way it pissed me off.

This is just one stupid stunt among a stack of many... a stack that I feel needs to have fire set to it, be toppled over, whatever... I guess really it's just one more thing to make me wonder if I'm really related to these people at all, or if they found me on a doorstep somewhere as a newborn.

Fuck...


-link

Labels: adventures in seattle, jackassery, stupid fuckers

So, I just found out on Monday that my wonderful Grandfather passed away in his sleep on Sunday night. He was 83 and died from complications due to lung cancer.

I found out via email. I received an email from my mom, and the subject line said only "Marvin." I knew instantly what was inside the email, and even though I didn't want to read it, nor did I want to go through the emotional roller coaster that I knew I had just received a ticket for.... but I did. I cut to the front of the line, gave the crazy carnie my ticket and then I got on the ride and DID NOT fasten my seat belt. A part of me wanted to feel it entirely... and if you know me, you know that I don't like to fell anything entirely. I sample emotions and feelings, then I drown them out with something, then I move forward.

There is no part of me that wants to drown this out, or move forward, or forget about how awful it is to feel someone go....

I'm upset. I'm furious. I'm sad. I want to cry. I don't want to cry. All at the same time.

I feel broken and alone one moment, and then the very next completely strong and ready to make sure that my Grandpa gets a really great show now that he has a front row seat to my life from heaven.

Then there is that.... just the idea that he is watching me from up above.. it makes me think about my life and how I conduct it... and really I guess it has also opened my eyes to the fact that I can be a pretty private, closed and sometimes even shady person when the right circumstances are present.

It has definitely given me the opportunity to think about what I would like to be able to look back on when I get older and retire. Specifically, it has caused me to focus on what I can do to improve my situation, but more importantly, how I can make sure that the way I conduct myself improves instantly so that working on the remainder of my life isn't something that I'm so ashamed of (something I guess I really hadn't realized completely until I had this lingering feeling that someone I respect greatly might actually be able to see what I do and how I act....)

I'm sure this probably sounds just completely insane to some of you, and to others perhaps a bit too familiar... either way, I plan to use this motivation to grow and overcome many if not all of my current demons, regardless of how healthy or un-healthy anyone else thinks it might be to believe in the idea of an afterlife for my loved ones, and that the afterlife I choose to believe in is strongly connected to "real life" in a "highway to heaven" sort of way.

Well... here's to life and death.. and the sanity and insanity that comes along with the experience. I have a single source of relief on this subject in that my Grandpa is no longer in pain. He no longer has to lie in bed day in and day out in extreme pain, a pain so horrible that it hurts to just lie there, it hurts to talk... fuck... it hurts to exist. I am happy that my Grandpa is no longer in pain, and that he was able to live a full life, and that the last time I spoke to him it was a great talk, and that he told me he loved me, and that he also let me know that out of everyone in my family that he knows he doesn't have to worry about me.

Thank you Grandpa. Thank you very much for taking all the time that you did in my life to show me how to live properly, how to be a man, how to take accountability for what I have done, but more so how to approach life with a perspective that won't get me in trouble, that will allow me to succeed. If not for you Grandpa, I would not have a great job like I have now, I would not be into computers, nor would I care about work and having good work ethic. I know our paths kind of grew apart in recent years, mainly because I've been so busy (something that I regret allowing to happen now...), but you always let me know that you found happiness in knowing that I was doing well, and you always sacrificed your time with me so that I might work harder towards the goals I have set for myself in life.

The bottom line here, and why I know I feel so empty at the mere thought of you being gone, is the time you invested in me. You didn't have to do any of that. You didn't have to demand that my mom let me come stay with you and Grandma when I was 4. You didn't have to open your door to me when my mom and I were fighting so bad that she threw me out @ 15. You didn't have to waste a single moment thinking about me, but you did. You invested many moments, many cherished and wonderful moments that I will never forget in me. You taught me everything I know, and even some that I wanted to forget... but I haven't, because it was something that came from you.

Every serious choice I make in my life gives me a chance to ask myself "what would Grandpa do here?" and I can honestly say that compass has led me through some very stormy seas with a tender hug and stern words. Every decision in my life involves you on some level. You taught me how to speak to people, how to sell a refrigerator to an Eskimo, how to care for those closest to me without allowing them to pull me into the hole that they are in, how to know when to draw the line and when to erase it because perhaps I've gone too far. You taught me how to evaluate whether or not I am wrong, and that it's not always about what I want, and that when I work hard for something I can not only achieve it but I can enjoy it.

You told me what to expect in life and why I should feel secure about who I am, and where I came from. You taught me to believe in myself, and that even though I am related to some "interesting" people, it in no way defines or controls how I choose to live life, nor does it define how good I can feel about my accomplishments. You taught me that if anything it's a badge of honor, a sign of success after struggle, of composure after chaos, of sunshine after rain. You taught me how to let the sun shine on the inside before I let it shine on the outside.

You taught me how to be me. Thank you so much for everything Grandpa, I will always love you and I already miss you. I'm so glad that you aren't in pain anymore though, and in a way knowing that you are in a better place lets me breath a little deeper, think a little harder and work a little smarter at this game we call life.

Well, pull up a chair old friend, let's play a game of rummy, drink some coffee and then you can watch the show, which you invested so much time and energy in, called... my life. My only goal now is to ensure that the tickets were more than worth every drop of blood, sweat and tears that you were able to give to me. Thank you again Grandpa for caring. Thank you for not just writing me off as a lost cause simply because of who my parents were. Thank you for seeing through the anger, frustration and loss of composure that was my childhood and taking the time to wipe the darkness away so that I was able to see the light. Thank you for saving me.


-link

Labels: adventures in kenmore, adventures in seattle, current events, thoughts

So, for those of you who have tried to use Chantix to quit smoking, you can probably relate...

Everyone I've talked to about this so far has had a similar experience involving a series of really fucked up, very weird dreams.

So, this is the last crazy dream that I remember... after this I stopped taking Chantix and continued smoking:

We were all driving around in downtown Seattle, me and two of my co-workers (the weird part here is that I haven't actually spent time with any of my co-workers outside of work). My lead was driving the car, I was sitting in shotgun, and my good friend from high school (who I also work with) was sitting in back.

My lead pulls up to the curb, and my buddy in back gets out to go into a store. He leaves the car door open while he's doing whatever he needed to do, and in his absence, two street walkers (I think) hop in the back.

They start getting all excited that they have found a couple of guys who work in Redmond, and start making comments like "oh this is so cool, we want to party with you guys!"

My lead and I look at each other and respond with "get the fuck out!!" to these two hookers. They refuse, and then it gets weird...

We attempt to "push" them out of the car, to which they respond by rolling back with their legs spread and their sloppy boxes just BAM right in our faces... I'm not sure where the logic went, but basically we continued trying to push them out by their legs, but our hands kept slipping... basically into their genital area.

All I remember is being really scared about touching them there, like I was going to catch something should my hand "fall" into their nasty, chewed up looking beavers... I also remember feeling distraught, because now these leech ass bitches were in the car, and thwarting our efforts to remove them with their fucking vagina's!

Metaphor for something else going on in my life? Perhaps. Disgusting and crazy? Definitely.

It ended with my buddy coming back to the car, yelling at them, getting in the backseat, and us taking off while they fell out the side door (thanks to some crazy driving on the part of my lead).

Fucking A... you want a nice hallucination while you are sleeping? Take some Chantix.


-link

Labels: adventures in seattle, ass clowns, funny shit

...yes, I'm thinking about it. I have to figure out a few things, but once I get the particulars figured out, I think I'm going to go for it!

I spoke with a veteran in the industry yesterday because as luck would have it, "I have a friend who has a friend..." you know how it goes. Well this certain veteran happens to run DopeLabs Radio which I thought was great because I got to ask him a bunch of questions about how he got started. He also runs another station which I cannot remember the name to right now... I'm hoping he will see this post and maybe put a comment up for us.


It seems like Shoutcast really is the way to go, so I'm downloading it now and going to install soon on a server at our data center (when I say our, I mean the one that my buddy and I run here). He actually does more of the physically "running" of the center, I'm more in the dev and sales area of our company.

I also thought that this MySpace profile, which I came across via a friend request from the person/bot, was very funny and entertaining. It's ok for work, but you probably can't view it anyhow, so I took a screen shot and placed it here (please take note of the comment which I placed a blue box around in the enlarged view by clicking below):

I suppose the only other thing that I really have to comment on is the fact that I have been making some major changes and large strides in my life lately. I think I sound like a fucking broken record honestly, but I guess there is something to be said for the fact that I really do keep trying. Not once have I ever stopped trying...

I've really had to put my life under the microscope again... it seems like I make these motions often. I know where I'm at in life, I know where I want to be, and I know how to get there now. It should be a great ride.

-link

Labels: adventures in everett, adventures in seattle, internet radio, thoughts

Well... the Rooster and I took a trip into Seattle yesterday to witness this controversy in action... this "High Maintenance Bitch."


Well, thanks to some help from my friend "Evil Z" over the phone with directions (no we were not smart enough to look up the address or directions before we left). I personally had convinced myself that "Wallingford isn't that big of a neighborhood..." and therefore wouldn't take long to completely search from top to bottom for this yuppie dog toy store.

On our way to the store Rooster found an awesome sign and took a picture, since he hasn't posted it yet I will post my camera phone quality version here:




Then we found the store, and I must say the sign actually does look very classy... I'm not sure how anyone could be offended by such a work of art:



...but suddenly... my new found zeal for the Wallingford neighborhood disappeared when I saw this couch, and a price tag of ... $999 all handmade by a designer down in LA:

Now I know what you are thinking... "Damnit, where in the fuck did your zeal go????!!!!??!??!?!" We'll I'll tell you where it went... it turned into a raging attraction for the creator of this store.

While I personally would never buy anything this expensive for any animal that I owned... I do know people who would.

Amazing... I think the girl running this store is a marketing genius and I think I might want to marry her.

-link

Labels: adventures in everett, adventures in seattle, bitch killa