Sad, sad and very sad times...
So, I just found out on Monday that my wonderful Grandfather passed away in his sleep on Sunday night. He was 83 and died from complications due to lung cancer.
I found out via email. I received an email from my mom, and the subject line said only "Marvin." I knew instantly what was inside the email, and even though I didn't want to read it, nor did I want to go through the emotional roller coaster that I knew I had just received a ticket for.... but I did. I cut to the front of the line, gave the crazy carnie my ticket and then I got on the ride and DID NOT fasten my seat belt. A part of me wanted to feel it entirely... and if you know me, you know that I don't like to fell anything entirely. I sample emotions and feelings, then I drown them out with something, then I move forward.
There is no part of me that wants to drown this out, or move forward, or forget about how awful it is to feel someone go....
I'm upset. I'm furious. I'm sad. I want to cry. I don't want to cry. All at the same time.
I feel broken and alone one moment, and then the very next completely strong and ready to make sure that my Grandpa gets a really great show now that he has a front row seat to my life from heaven.
Then there is that.... just the idea that he is watching me from up above.. it makes me think about my life and how I conduct it... and really I guess it has also opened my eyes to the fact that I can be a pretty private, closed and sometimes even shady person when the right circumstances are present.
It has definitely given me the opportunity to think about what I would like to be able to look back on when I get older and retire. Specifically, it has caused me to focus on what I can do to improve my situation, but more importantly, how I can make sure that the way I conduct myself improves instantly so that working on the remainder of my life isn't something that I'm so ashamed of (something I guess I really hadn't realized completely until I had this lingering feeling that someone I respect greatly might actually be able to see what I do and how I act....)
I'm sure this probably sounds just completely insane to some of you, and to others perhaps a bit too familiar... either way, I plan to use this motivation to grow and overcome many if not all of my current demons, regardless of how healthy or un-healthy anyone else thinks it might be to believe in the idea of an afterlife for my loved ones, and that the afterlife I choose to believe in is strongly connected to "real life" in a "highway to heaven" sort of way.
Well... here's to life and death.. and the sanity and insanity that comes along with the experience. I have a single source of relief on this subject in that my Grandpa is no longer in pain. He no longer has to lie in bed day in and day out in extreme pain, a pain so horrible that it hurts to just lie there, it hurts to talk... fuck... it hurts to exist. I am happy that my Grandpa is no longer in pain, and that he was able to live a full life, and that the last time I spoke to him it was a great talk, and that he told me he loved me, and that he also let me know that out of everyone in my family that he knows he doesn't have to worry about me.
Thank you Grandpa. Thank you very much for taking all the time that you did in my life to show me how to live properly, how to be a man, how to take accountability for what I have done, but more so how to approach life with a perspective that won't get me in trouble, that will allow me to succeed. If not for you Grandpa, I would not have a great job like I have now, I would not be into computers, nor would I care about work and having good work ethic. I know our paths kind of grew apart in recent years, mainly because I've been so busy (something that I regret allowing to happen now...), but you always let me know that you found happiness in knowing that I was doing well, and you always sacrificed your time with me so that I might work harder towards the goals I have set for myself in life.
The bottom line here, and why I know I feel so empty at the mere thought of you being gone, is the time you invested in me. You didn't have to do any of that. You didn't have to demand that my mom let me come stay with you and Grandma when I was 4. You didn't have to open your door to me when my mom and I were fighting so bad that she threw me out @ 15. You didn't have to waste a single moment thinking about me, but you did. You invested many moments, many cherished and wonderful moments that I will never forget in me. You taught me everything I know, and even some that I wanted to forget... but I haven't, because it was something that came from you.
Every serious choice I make in my life gives me a chance to ask myself "what would Grandpa do here?" and I can honestly say that compass has led me through some very stormy seas with a tender hug and stern words. Every decision in my life involves you on some level. You taught me how to speak to people, how to sell a refrigerator to an Eskimo, how to care for those closest to me without allowing them to pull me into the hole that they are in, how to know when to draw the line and when to erase it because perhaps I've gone too far. You taught me how to evaluate whether or not I am wrong, and that it's not always about what I want, and that when I work hard for something I can not only achieve it but I can enjoy it.
You told me what to expect in life and why I should feel secure about who I am, and where I came from. You taught me to believe in myself, and that even though I am related to some "interesting" people, it in no way defines or controls how I choose to live life, nor does it define how good I can feel about my accomplishments. You taught me that if anything it's a badge of honor, a sign of success after struggle, of composure after chaos, of sunshine after rain. You taught me how to let the sun shine on the inside before I let it shine on the outside.
You taught me how to be me. Thank you so much for everything Grandpa, I will always love you and I already miss you. I'm so glad that you aren't in pain anymore though, and in a way knowing that you are in a better place lets me breath a little deeper, think a little harder and work a little smarter at this game we call life.
Well, pull up a chair old friend, let's play a game of rummy, drink some coffee and then you can watch the show, which you invested so much time and energy in, called... my life. My only goal now is to ensure that the tickets were more than worth every drop of blood, sweat and tears that you were able to give to me. Thank you again Grandpa for caring. Thank you for not just writing me off as a lost cause simply because of who my parents were. Thank you for seeing through the anger, frustration and loss of composure that was my childhood and taking the time to wipe the darkness away so that I was able to see the light. Thank you for saving me.
-link
Source
I found out via email. I received an email from my mom, and the subject line said only "Marvin." I knew instantly what was inside the email, and even though I didn't want to read it, nor did I want to go through the emotional roller coaster that I knew I had just received a ticket for.... but I did. I cut to the front of the line, gave the crazy carnie my ticket and then I got on the ride and DID NOT fasten my seat belt. A part of me wanted to feel it entirely... and if you know me, you know that I don't like to fell anything entirely. I sample emotions and feelings, then I drown them out with something, then I move forward.
There is no part of me that wants to drown this out, or move forward, or forget about how awful it is to feel someone go....
I'm upset. I'm furious. I'm sad. I want to cry. I don't want to cry. All at the same time.
I feel broken and alone one moment, and then the very next completely strong and ready to make sure that my Grandpa gets a really great show now that he has a front row seat to my life from heaven.
Then there is that.... just the idea that he is watching me from up above.. it makes me think about my life and how I conduct it... and really I guess it has also opened my eyes to the fact that I can be a pretty private, closed and sometimes even shady person when the right circumstances are present.
It has definitely given me the opportunity to think about what I would like to be able to look back on when I get older and retire. Specifically, it has caused me to focus on what I can do to improve my situation, but more importantly, how I can make sure that the way I conduct myself improves instantly so that working on the remainder of my life isn't something that I'm so ashamed of (something I guess I really hadn't realized completely until I had this lingering feeling that someone I respect greatly might actually be able to see what I do and how I act....)
I'm sure this probably sounds just completely insane to some of you, and to others perhaps a bit too familiar... either way, I plan to use this motivation to grow and overcome many if not all of my current demons, regardless of how healthy or un-healthy anyone else thinks it might be to believe in the idea of an afterlife for my loved ones, and that the afterlife I choose to believe in is strongly connected to "real life" in a "highway to heaven" sort of way.
Well... here's to life and death.. and the sanity and insanity that comes along with the experience. I have a single source of relief on this subject in that my Grandpa is no longer in pain. He no longer has to lie in bed day in and day out in extreme pain, a pain so horrible that it hurts to just lie there, it hurts to talk... fuck... it hurts to exist. I am happy that my Grandpa is no longer in pain, and that he was able to live a full life, and that the last time I spoke to him it was a great talk, and that he told me he loved me, and that he also let me know that out of everyone in my family that he knows he doesn't have to worry about me.
Thank you Grandpa. Thank you very much for taking all the time that you did in my life to show me how to live properly, how to be a man, how to take accountability for what I have done, but more so how to approach life with a perspective that won't get me in trouble, that will allow me to succeed. If not for you Grandpa, I would not have a great job like I have now, I would not be into computers, nor would I care about work and having good work ethic. I know our paths kind of grew apart in recent years, mainly because I've been so busy (something that I regret allowing to happen now...), but you always let me know that you found happiness in knowing that I was doing well, and you always sacrificed your time with me so that I might work harder towards the goals I have set for myself in life.
The bottom line here, and why I know I feel so empty at the mere thought of you being gone, is the time you invested in me. You didn't have to do any of that. You didn't have to demand that my mom let me come stay with you and Grandma when I was 4. You didn't have to open your door to me when my mom and I were fighting so bad that she threw me out @ 15. You didn't have to waste a single moment thinking about me, but you did. You invested many moments, many cherished and wonderful moments that I will never forget in me. You taught me everything I know, and even some that I wanted to forget... but I haven't, because it was something that came from you.
Every serious choice I make in my life gives me a chance to ask myself "what would Grandpa do here?" and I can honestly say that compass has led me through some very stormy seas with a tender hug and stern words. Every decision in my life involves you on some level. You taught me how to speak to people, how to sell a refrigerator to an Eskimo, how to care for those closest to me without allowing them to pull me into the hole that they are in, how to know when to draw the line and when to erase it because perhaps I've gone too far. You taught me how to evaluate whether or not I am wrong, and that it's not always about what I want, and that when I work hard for something I can not only achieve it but I can enjoy it.
You told me what to expect in life and why I should feel secure about who I am, and where I came from. You taught me to believe in myself, and that even though I am related to some "interesting" people, it in no way defines or controls how I choose to live life, nor does it define how good I can feel about my accomplishments. You taught me that if anything it's a badge of honor, a sign of success after struggle, of composure after chaos, of sunshine after rain. You taught me how to let the sun shine on the inside before I let it shine on the outside.
You taught me how to be me. Thank you so much for everything Grandpa, I will always love you and I already miss you. I'm so glad that you aren't in pain anymore though, and in a way knowing that you are in a better place lets me breath a little deeper, think a little harder and work a little smarter at this game we call life.
Well, pull up a chair old friend, let's play a game of rummy, drink some coffee and then you can watch the show, which you invested so much time and energy in, called... my life. My only goal now is to ensure that the tickets were more than worth every drop of blood, sweat and tears that you were able to give to me. Thank you again Grandpa for caring. Thank you for not just writing me off as a lost cause simply because of who my parents were. Thank you for seeing through the anger, frustration and loss of composure that was my childhood and taking the time to wipe the darkness away so that I was able to see the light. Thank you for saving me.
-link
Labels: adventures in kenmore, adventures in seattle, current events, thoughts
posted by link at Wednesday, December 24, 2008
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