It's funny once you get it...

Well, almost worth laughing about I suppose. The lead on.... the chase... I mean hell, you really do have to make sure you want it before you get it usually...

It's not like any of these low life fucking pieces of shit that have it are convenient to deal with.

Amazing it took this long to figure out...


-link

Labels: the pain of getting well, thoughts

Man... so I used to hang out with this idiot who we will call "H."

I call him that because it's also his drug of choice oddly enough...

So, I found out today from a reliable source that "H" decided to try and pass some counterfeit $20 bills to three local businesses yesterday. He was actually arrested on the third attempt.

Apparently he has been hanging out with a girl who is "producing" these fake pieces of money. She allegedly gave him two $20's and told him to go buy her a pack of smokes and to break the remaining money into smaller bills with the cashier.

The cashier caught the fake money immediately. "H" somehow talked his way out of getting in trouble and he left the store.

He then tries this again at another 7-11 type store... these guys aren't so nice and they call the cops. He manages to talk his way out of this and then decides to try once more at another store. This time the cops are called again and he is put in jail on a felony charge of attempting to spend counterfeit money.

Amazing... only a fucking crack-head heroin addict would keep trying to spend counterfeit money after failing twice AND already having the cops involved one one of those instances.

I guess really, the saddest part about it is that this will probably be the best thing for him. He needs to get clean and jail will probably be his best, last and only chance to do so....

What a sad state of affairs...

Click on the source link below for a list of Google News items related to idiots attempting to spend counterfeit money... apparently the penalties go up quickly based on the amount of "funny money" that is found in your possession... well duh!!!


-link

Labels: current events, growth, stupid fuckers, the pain of getting well, thoughts

There are certainly some times in my life where I thought things looked pretty dark. Looking back, it's amazing to me that even though I felt so hopeless, things still worked out. They always do it seems...

I had a realization today, and I think partly due to reading something on my co-workers cube wall: "If god brought you to it, he will bring you through it."

I thought about that for a bit, and regardless of any one's feelings on the subject, I think this is a statement that makes sense to most people.

A bit later in the day I started listening to Elton John's "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" and really snagged myself on the line where he says "this kids too young to be singing about the blues."

I guess that's just it, there is no real reason out there that I can't just point my face toward the sun and let it push away all the shadows.

I also listened to another song on the way to work today called "The Outsider" by A Perfect Circle. It's about addiction, and asking someone to explain why they bow to all of these dark temptations that are quite literally causing them to disconnect and self destruct, one bullet at a time.

I started thinking for a second about how I would explain the feeling of addiction, and what it does to you. I guess I personally equate it to being a goldfish in a blender. Except your addiction isn't in the blender with you, it's outside with it's hand on the button. The first couple of times the button is pressed, the water swirls, but miraculously you don't get nicked by the blades. Pretty soon that isn't entertaining enough anymore, your addiction starts to hold the button a bit longer each time.

Eventually you are ripped to shreds. No do overs.

I think this weekend, if I can track my sister down... I might just share that analogy with her.


-link

Labels: the pain of getting well, thoughts

....people go out of their way to make sure you think about unpleasant things in your life.

Fucking A... why do that? Why go out of your way to just withdraw?

Whatever, it's your passive aggressive bullshit that I cannot stand, that and your super sneaky nature. You never really offer information, you act like it's a pain to explain anything.

It's like everything you do makes me feel like you are worth keeping an eye on.

You won't have this chance ever again.


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, the pain of getting well, thoughts

So today was interesting to say the least. I found out that someone whom I used to hang out with on an almost daily basis, and lately haven't been even talking to let alone hanging out with just overdosed for the second time this year.

During this overdose, this person was actually dead for about half a minute. Apparently the story goes like this:

It's hard when you are trying to get clean. It's worse when you chose an opiate to be your drug rather an an upper of some sort. Uppers always seem easier to kick (METH being a very HUGE exception to that rule).

From what I heard, his relapse started about two or three days ago. It's that same trip that everyone has, it's just that when you are addicted and your brain starts to play games with you.... you generally turn to something that will slow it down or shut it off so that you can get through the day without just going crazy.

It really is an obsession of the mind and an allergy of the body.

I guess he was doing really well until he started feeling this way. He called his family and some friends and nobody really had any time for him, or so he felt. He ended up using this as an excuse to use. So today he went to the H man's house and ended up shooting about 50 out of 80 units in his syringe (or so I am told).

Now I'm no doctor, but I'm guessing had he gone and done the entire 80 units (whatever that means) he probably would actually be dead now.

Now back to the story... so I guess he got his fix, and while still sitting in the chair at the dope mans house he began to feel the effects of his overdose. Being a somewhat smart guy, he decides that he needs to leave and seek out medical help.

He walks outside to his car, and upon reaching it he quickly realizes that driving would be a bad idea because he had no doubt that he would crash the car as soon as he blacked out. He looks around and remembers there is a fire station nearby.

He starts walking toward the fire station, now it's a race between his legs and the H in his blood. He barely makes in there, sees a fireman washing the firetruck. The fireman asks him what's wrong, he blurts out that he is overdosing on heroin and that he needs some "narcon" or something like that.

The next thing he remembers is waking up by vomiting all over himself.

Apparently right after he told the fireman what was going on, the H got him. He blacked out and fell flat on his face on the cement. Cut his forehead and busted his lip open. Since he told the firefighter what was going on, they shot him up with "narcon" and then hit him with the defibrillator paddles. No response.

I guess they did everything they could, and just as the fireman gave up and turned around, to pronounce him or whatever they do, the guy I know woke up and threw up all over himself. The firefighter had never seen it before. His heart had stopped and he was officially dead.

Now... just think if you had gone through that today. Makes those shitty problems you have seem a lot less serious, no?


-link

Labels: adventures in everett, jackassery, stupid fuckers, the pain of getting well, thoughts

So.. it's no big surprise to my friend's that I had to go to court again today.... and really, if you are an avid reader, it shouldn't be a big surprise to you either.

I went down to the King County District Court, East Division today, which is located in Redmond, WA (yes, the home of Microsoft). I sat in court for about two and a half hours, and then received a continuance at the end.

Now.. most people would see this as a waste of time, I however call it paying interest on a penalty that I don't ever want to see. The fact of the matter is that I still have a few obligations to take care of before the wonderful Judge reviews my case. Had I been seen today, I probably would not have been very happy with the outcome.

Being seen in the future... offers a better chance at an outcome which I may see as a bit more favorable when it comes to trite matters such as my freedom.

That said, today was a great day, and I think I'll end with this:

Party on Wayne... Party on Garth...

Oh and also... I love my new 8125 which I had to replace due to an "incident" over the weekend. It's pretty much "fresh to death," regardless of what any poser ass mother fuckers want to say. Oh also, I'm thinking about picking up the Aliph Jawbone bluetooth headset to replace my now broken H800. If anyone knows anything about this bad boy, let me know!


-link

Labels: adventures in redmond, bitch killa, business is business, fresh to death, the pain of getting well

...then that would be the cleverest trick!

I read that today in a book full of poems by "Rumi" who is a pretty damn good... thinker... I guess you could say.

All of that aside, if you want to know more about Rumi, click the link above and it will take you to the Wikipedia page about him.

I decided to write this post after I read that line in this book, from a poem entitled "Quatrains" which is basically a grouping of four-line stanzas into one large poem. Again, if you want to know more about that specific term, there is a link for you above.

Now down to the meat of this issue... I find it interesting that if you really look around you in life, at the things you see, read, experience... but not necessarily influence, you can find just a little deeper meaning that can serve as a guide. I read this, and I believe that I read this today because I need to concentrate on letting go of the situation just a bit more.

I've worked on this before, but need to continue to work on it again... today, tomorrow and apply yesterday's lessons to what I am doing currently... really to every step I decide to take.

This last weekend some shitty bullshit occurred that I am completely and 100% responsible for. Everyone tells me that I should go after "this person" or "that person" in order to rectify it... and while I might be able to place blame on someone else for the loss and/or damage of my personal items... and believe me, there was a time when I would have jumped at the chance to... I think that for right now, I need to concentrate on how and maybe why I chose to put myself into a situation where that sort of thing was able to happen.

This isn't to say that I don't value the opinions of my friend's, but moreover it is to say that I am moving closer to a place where I can consider such opinions and options in my life without having to run like a wild beast at every good idea I hear.

I think that in this instance, letting go of my need to be clever and tricky in order to get over on someone, or undo something that I am in the end, completely responsible for, is another great step on my road to recovery.

I guess nobody ever said this was going to be easy... and god knows it was a seriously horrendous amount of work to get me here... but I know that when I have thoughts like this, and I make the right decision, that I am treading water again at least, and not slowly drowning like I was before. Thank god for air... and the ability to take it in.


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in bothell, bitch killa, the pain of getting well

...it's already too late for your ass.

There's actually a logical reason for that... it's because once my anger starts boiling... it usually takes the house going up in flames for it to return to normal levels. I don't generally have the "luxury" of simply taking the pan/pot off of the burner to cool it down.

That said, I don't like being pissed off in the morning. I don't really give a fuck what is going on in your life/day/moment or childhood to cause you to fuck up in my presence, I am a selfish prick mother fucker in the morning and that ISN'T changing.

I won't ever be "Mr. Nicey Nice" in the morning, and I would rather get in a fist fight then act all "happy go lucky" in the morning. Just ask my ex-girlfriend, in fact she hates that shit so much that I'm sure I drove her to the point of punching me more than once. She has a bit more self control however, so I don't think she actually followed through with it... that I can remember at least. Anyhow, that's another subject for another time...

This morning I got up, just like I do at the same time every morning. I stepped out of my bedroom and into the bathroom when I heard someone ask me if I was going to take a shower...

Let's just stop right here... because really, it doesn't fucking matter what in the hell i was or wasn't going to do. I was going to do it, and I will continue doing it at the same fucking time every morning.

So next time you have a fucking variance in YOUR schedule, make sure you don't fuck up MY SCHEDULE by trying to muscle in and hawk eye the fucking bathroom that you like to dirty the fuck out of and then not clean like you are supposed to.

Oh also, if you happen to read this today, and feel like you might want to say something to me, I want you to think about a couple of things first... like for instance:

1. The cereal that I paid for but your daughter ate and then you left open to get it stale
2. My lotion and mouthwash that you clearly help yourself to without asking
3. Your fucking noisy kid that you don't discipline and let run down the fucking hall early in the morning
4. The free shit I gave you yesterday
5. Your shitty ass bullshit attitude about everything
6. The half empty cups/glasses that you leave literally EVERY-FUCKING-WHERE in the house
7. The fucking shitty ass toys that you let your kid leave in the bathtub, EVERY FUCKING DAY after she takes a bath
8. The hole you burned in the front living room carpet

I think that what bothers me the most is that you don't pay any rent to act like such a piece of shit, and you don't even do the chores that you are supposed to be do

Ok, I'm going to stop there... only because if you do read this, I don't want to feel guilty if you should decide to just end it all...

-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in everett, bitch killa, the pain of getting well

When I wake up in the mornin' love,
And the sunlight hurts my eyes,
Then somethin' without warnin' love,
Bears heavy on my mind...

That's the opening verse from "Sunshine" by Twista which was released back in the early 2000's (I think 2002-2003 or something around there... I don't feel like looking it up).

In reality it was sampled from another song recorded in 1978 by Bill Withers and Skip Scarborough, the original writer/creators of the song.

Either way... I wanted to start out with that today because it reminds me of how I used to start each day.... with something bearing heavy on my mind each morning.

Since I made the decision to clean up my life, I've noticed that each day I am just a bit more willing to get up and face the day, in fact today I think I was actually excited to get up and go for a walk early in the morning before most people are even awake. I plan to move up to a jog and then a jog with some bursts of running to push myself, but first things first.

Today I get the pleasure of going to have lunch with my aunt, and to see my grandparents again. I love my grandparents and my eldest aunt very much, they have been an unshakable influence in my life, and when I find that I have lost my way, or the swells in the water are too much to handle, I have always been able to depend on them for a safe harbor. For that I am eternally grateful.

That brings up another subject that I want to place some more focus on, my Grandmother. I love her so very much, and I cannot even begin to list the things she has done for me in my life without even mentioning word one about it, always letting someone else take the credit or just letting things go. I went to visit them on Easter weekend and I found out that she had been praying for me, and that she knew I was on something the entire time, but never said anything to me about it I felt like my heart broke in half.

This very strong woman has Parkinson's, can barely move, and still finds time to devote her energy to my well being... even now... even after I basically threw it back in her face and told her it didn't matter to me, even though it really does tremendously.

For that, I will always carry shame. I realize now that I have to carry this badge for the rest of my life, and that the only thing I can do to make it better is to not be that way ever again.

I remember a time when I kept saying "someday I'll go visit... someday I'll be sober and go spend time with her..." and now my friends I know, that someday never comes. It's not just a catchy tune in a song, it's not just some fancy thing to make you feel motivated for 30 seconds and then forget about your problems. It's the truth. We have only the here and now to work with, not tomorrow, and certainly not yesterday.

I heard something pretty cool in class the other day:

"You have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow and you are pissing all over today."

...and that's the way it is...

Music: Sunshine - Twista, Changes - 2pac, Same Direction - Hoobastank (I know... so just keep your opinions to yourself on my music taste)


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in everett, bitch killa, the pain of getting well

...because it may not be there when you decide to turn back.

I was sitting in this very well known fellowship meeting yesterday... and we decided to talk about a subject entitled "blind trust."

It's something I'm having trouble with right now, that and an overwhelming presence of anger. The trust issue however is something that I have to tackle before the anger leaves. I feel this way for a few reasons... but I guess I don't really want to talk about those yet.

This post is more about what I heard at this meeting yesterday, what a certain someone in the meeting said that really caught me by the ear... and the heart.

This person talked about his experience with trust, and while I can't remember word for word what he said, I did write down a few points of interest that I thought I would share:

1. Truth without love is cruelty
2. Getting up in someones face over a matter or situation that you don't have an answer for is brutality
3. You've been trusting people like yourself your entire life, so why should that change now
4. There is no growth in things that are the same and comfortable
5. You have been assigning the role of friend to people you don't even like

Out of everything he said, I wrote those five things down because they really just took my mind away to another place.

I thought about elaborating on what each one means... but really, it doesn't matter what they mean to me. Everyone who reads these is going to have their own meaning, and their own past situations to which they can attribute the phrases.

Also, for my dear friends that I still definitely talk to and interact with, don't be alarmed by #5. That was more of a retrospective thing for me... just being able to look back and further justify why I had chosen to break certain relationships or bonds off.

So that's that... I guess I really don't have a ton to say this morning... mainly because I'm caught up in much of my own thought today.

This weekend was good times for the most part. There were little issues here and there, but really, who doesn't have those? I got to see quite a few people that I hadn't seen in awhile, and I got to do it looking more healthy, and feeling better about myself. For that, I am consistently and always grateful.

-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in everett, bitch killa, the pain of getting well

So this is really more about how I felt during the day yesterday... because some shit went down at treatment last night that didn't make me too happy. I can't dwell on it, I just have to move forward... but it's still upsetting.

So yesterday, I was listening to AC/DC's "Back in Black" and reading the lyrics. It's something that I've always enjoyed doing, but lately I seem to be gleaning all kinds of new information and thoughts from this music I am "re-listening" to....

I guess I can really relate to this:

Back in black, I hit the sack,
I've been too long, I'm glad to be back
Yes I'm let loose from the noose,That's kept me hangin' about
I been livin like a star 'cause it's gettin' me high,
Forget the hearse, 'cause I never die
I got nine lives, cat's eyes abusing every one of them and running wild

Deep... that's pretty much EXACTLY what I was doing. Who knew I was a rock-star in a past life. Speaking of past lives, I just met this lady that said when she drank she became a "LasVegas showgirl-therapist".... dancing all wild on the stage and trying to give anyone advice who would listen. I think we all know people like that, and I think we can all relate to the idea that it's sometimes easier to concentrate on fixing someone else rather than ourselves.

So yesterday, I shared my thoughts on this song with group, and then promptly in front of the entire group, my counselor accused me of relapsing. I told him he was full of shit, and that I really thought he had said that because I was making analogies with old rock music.

He then gave the entire class a lesson on urinalysis using my past three results. I then responded by ripping him a new asshole in front of everyone. He then took the high moral ground and told me that it's evident to everyone in the room how tight of a grip my addiction has on me. That made me furious, so I refused to participate in group for the next two hours by being silent.

I'm finding that it's hard for me to admit when I'm wrong, or even consider other possibilities when I feel like I am being attacked. That's something that I have to work on.

The fact of the matter is this, I did not relapse on purpose. I did not intentionally use (we are talking about marijuana here). I did however intentionally put myself in many trigger zones this past weekend, one of which happened to be a room filled with pot smoke. I didn't think it would show up on a test because 1) I didn't get high, and 2) I wasn't actually smoking or ingesting the pot. I was wrong.

That was early Sunday morning. Then Monday I went back down to my mom's house to get some things, took a look at a bag that my sister had purchased, and out of habit I licked the bag flap to hold it closed after I rolled it up. That probably also contributed to my "off the scale" results.

Some further details:

Two tests ago, I had a ratio of THC to urine strength of something around 180. I took another test on Monday evening, which came back with a ratio of 487. A very substantial increase (I'm approximating numbers now because I don't remember the exact values, this is because I was so angry about being accused of doing something that I knew I didn't do) which my counselor decided meant that I had smoked.

For me the argument was over use vs. no-use. To him the argument was about being honest vs. trying to cover up my activities for the weekend. I had another talk with him after group, and even though I didn't "intentionally relapse" he is now very concerned about all of these stupid little "trigger areas" that I revealed to him in hopes of clearing my good name. He considers this a relapse whether I used or not, and I now understand why. Now that I am calm.

The fact of the matter is that I had no right to rip him a new one in front of class, and he probably should have at least prepared me for the situation before group rather than springing it on me. Unfortunately though, that's a desire not a need... the reality in life is that we are very seldom prepared for situations that we don't want to handle or acknowledge, and understanding that is living life on life's terms, not mine.

This entire situation upsets me. I feel like my credibility with my group is shot, and that everyone thinks I'm a liar because of this scientific test that they use and my loss of temper in front of everyone. I feel like no matter what I say, that they are all just excuses and that I need to just take this with a smile on my face and accept the reality that I'm not in charge of this situation, even though I want to be more than anything.

I don't feel sober now, I feel drunk on anger... I feel like this anger will consume me again if I let it, and I think that I can only displace this anger in my heart with love, understanding and a strong determination to get this right at any cost.

I didn't use, and I know in my heart and soul that I didn't. That means quite a bit to me simply because there was a time when I didn't care, and now is a time where I do care. I care deeply, and I know that's part of why it makes me so angry that I got called out for something I thought was harmless... simply being around it.

I started participating in group near the end, and I talked to my counselor after group and apologized for my actions during group. He told me the apology is the first step, and that I need to process this entire event with group today and tomorrow while he is out on vacation.

This means we have a "substitute" counselor for the next two days... she is the director of the treatment center and super critical. Super... I can't wait....

Music: Tool - 10,000 Days


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in everett, bitch killa, the pain of getting well

Go figure, when you start eating right, sleeping right and become drug and alcohol free.... your body starts hitting up what I like to call the "farmer schedule" and tries to get you out of bed all early and shit....

bah....


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in everett, bitch killa, the pain of getting well

...rather than percent?

Well here's why:

"The percentage of alcohol in distilled liquors is commonly expressed in degrees of "proof" rather than as a percentage of pure alcohol. This measure developed from the seventeenth-century English custom of "proving" that an alcoholic drink was of sufficient strength by mixing it with gunpowder and attempting to ignite it. If the drink contained 49 percent alcohol by weight or 57 percent by volume, it could be ignited. Proof is approximately double the percentage of pure alcohol. A 100 proof whiskey is therefore 50 percent pure alcohol; an 86 proof whiskey is 43 percent alcohol."

If you want to know where I got that info, you can ask, otherwise I will spare you the nasty details.


-link

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in everett, bitch killa, the pain of getting well

I suppose that the most difficult part of coming back to reality is dealing with all of the broken pieces... the wreckage you left behind. Realizing that it's cleanup time, and understanding that not everyone wants to participate in that activity.

I went to visit my family this weekend. My mom and sister, aunt and uncle on Saturday, and then my grandparents and my other aunt on Sunday.

I can't really say which day went better, because they were both full of pain. But I can say that I feel better now that I have started to reach out and patch up these relationships that I have let crumble.

I think probably the hardest thing for me to hear is that my grandmother, someone who can't really walk or move around all that well anymore, has spent her days praying for me, praying that I would be taken care of and that I would find my way out of the dark cave that I had chosen to live in. Still, even when she can't move around or do hardly anything on her own, she still does things for me, she still cares and still wants to help. I'm not even sure what more to say about that....

My aunt that lives with my grandparents was ecstatic to see how much better I look. She also told me that she was proud of me because it takes a lot of courage to do what I am doing, to admit that you are wrong and fix it, to move forward even when everything in your mind is telling you that you don't have to change to get better.

Saturday was a much bigger roller coaster, I went to my mom's house, saw my sister and my mom, both of who are hurting pretty bad right now. My sister is addicted to Meth-Amphetamines and my mom has pretty much given up when it comes to life and the pursuit of happiness... in "this world" anyhow...

My mom is more concerned about how she is going to mow her lawn then how she is going to eat. My sister is lost in her drugs, in that dark cave that I just left. I can't help but feel partially responsible for that, just because I certainly didn't set a great example for her. Everything I have accomplished had some type of addiction tied into it, so I'm quite sure that she thought everything would be ok for her as well if she kept using. That's hard to swallow....

My aunt and uncle in Kent are doing very well on the other hand. My aunt has stopped drinking, the house is slowly but surely being repaired and coming out of the ruin it has been in for the past ten years... also due to another nasty addiction that affected that part of my family.

I think when I look around and I see these problems becoming less and less in my family, it makes me happy, and it gives me something to hold onto as I get better. I also know that I have to make a serious decision about how much I want to interact with my own mother, mainly because how she acts and manipulates others is a very big trigger for me to use again. It's hard to admit to yourself that your creator would do you harm if they could, even unconsciously, it's still harm. I can't stress enough how sad that makes me, and how hard it is for me to accept that and move on. I want to help her, fuck I want to fix the whole thing for her... but I can't keep jumping in the fire to do it, because sooner or later I will catch and burn.... and I won't be able to put myself out....

There is nothing more dangerous than a man on fire in his own mind. He will do anything to put out the flames.... until he can extinguish them on his own, he should be avoided at all costs.

I'll leave you all with the horoscope that I received on my phone this morning courtesy of MSN mobile alerts. I want to preface this by saying that I don't necessarily believe that an incoming sms will change my life, but I do like to take inspiration from things that I read, and that includes these silly little horoscope things:

"Leo - Go ahead and throw your plan out the window. Follow your bliss."

...maybe I'll do just that....

Still no cigarettes!! 100% sober for 13 days!!!

Music: Lynyrd Skynyrd - Sweet Home Alabama

Labels: a day in the life of, adventures in everett, bitch killa, the pain of getting well

...because I really do have enough of them to go around.

So today I got really angry earlier... just angry at everything....

I suppose it started with waking up to find out that my phone had been turned off. I thought I had till the end of my billing cycle (the 8th) to pay, but I was wrong.

I logged in to check out the invoice, and I owed almost $500. Being unemployed makes that a large bill.... hell that's a large bill even if you are working, but I'm sure I would have handled it a little better if I knew I had money coming in.

I felt some rage today, just so overwhelming that I wanted to break something. I wasn't sure what to do about it at first, and I have to admit that it scares me. It scares me because this is a problem that I had as a child, and I thought I had under control.

In reality... I did have it under control until I chose to give up my normal coping skills and use substances as my fix for issues that I didn't or felt that I couldn't handle.

I worry now that I might be somewhere around a lot of people... and lose it. I worry that I won't be able to stop myself one day and I will say something very bad that I can't fix later with more words... or even worse cross a very bad line and actually hurt someone. This rage is like an idling engine.... always ready to go, and at the first sign of a race track... it seems to fully engage the throttle...

I have trouble talking to people about it. Everyone thinks they know what I'm going through, and tries to tell me how I should handle it. That makes me even more furious... so much that I want to just yell at the very people trying to help me. The only thing that really calms me down right now is myself... not someone else telling me to be calm. That's like trying to shove a cork into an erupting volcano...

It makes me mad when people tell me to get over it also... I feel like I've held onto this anger for so long, that it was the only thing keeping me warm at night... I know now that it is the reason for my abuse, and that I have to let it go, but that it needs to be on my terms, and that I need to get it out, not hold it in.

I went to my treatment today harboring this anger, and with ideas of what I was going to do once I got there involving a "fuck you" to my counselor and whatever else I could think of. I didn't do any of that, and thank god that my counselor went over some things that I needed to hear today. He got me to bring myself back into the fold, share with the group, and I felt way better about it. If only everything was that easy.....

So now that I've grown a bit... what I'm left with is myself... in a torn, shattered, fractured and very unstable state.... but it is me.... and I'm more than good with that.


-link

Labels: adventures in everett, the pain of getting well

...and no I'm not talking about that shitty Jap-cracker movie either with "Sarah Michelle-Oh Shut the fuck up already" in it.

I'm talking about something I've been holding onto, and I'm also talking about the song by tool (yes the band...)

Here are some lyrics from the song:

Wear your grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what you will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet letter men.

Wear the grudge like a crown.
Desperate to control.
Unable to forgive.
And we're sinking deeper.

Defining, confining, sinking deeper.
Controlling, defining, and we're sinking deeper.

They caught me this morning as I was listening to music..... I've heard this song so many times that I really thought I had gleaned all of the hidden meaning from it..

I suppose in reality I had, based on my previous state of mind. Now that I have a new state of mind, things seem just a bit more meaningful. I suppose what really caught me off guard was my difference in perception.

I think before I used to look for the crown mentioned above... like I needed to have it on. Now I know where the crown is, because I took it off and threw it as far away from myself as I could and then ran swiftly in the other direction.

Some people might find that to be a bit cowardly... a sign of weakness if you will. I suppose I don't even take it to that level... for me it was about survival, and finally understanding that you can never win a battle when the only opponent is yourself.

.....and now, to lighten the mood... here's a PSA from your favorite QB, Peyton Manning:

Spend time with your kids, so Peyton Manning doesn't




-link

Labels: adventures in everett, the pain of getting well

Hello all... my apologies for not writing anything in such a long time. I just got laid up in bed for about five days with a combination ass kicker...


The flu (Vegas strain... thanks Tony!) and bronchitis... I have only myself to thank for the last one.


Let me run down the events for you:

1. I stopped smoking the green last Tuesday, before this time I was an every day user of the green


2. This sent my immune system into a bit of shock, which is to be expected


3. Around this same time, my buddy Tony came back from LasVegas with the flu


4. I hung out with him thinking I wouldn't catch it (yes I know I'm an idiot for that one)


5. I caught it


6. The flu had me in so much pain that I stopped smoking tobacco as well for the duration


7. The removal of a daily influx of inhaled materials caused my lungs to go into purge mode
   
8. I had bronchitis though, which constricts your airways... therefore none of my coughing was productive, leaving extremely large amounts of mucus in my left lung there to fester and incubate more bacteria

Now for the slide show. I know that everyone in the world understands that cigarettes can seriously harm or even kill you.

If you still need a push in the right direction, check out what came out of my left lung over just about 6 hours (I almost wish I had gotten pictures of my first spit glass, I'm sure if this doesn't make you vomit, that those other pictures would have):

SERIOUSLY, THESE PICTURES ARE FUCKING NASTY. IF YOU ARE EATING, HAVE A WEAK STOMACH, OR ARE GENERALLY GROSSED OUT BY PICTURES OF HUMAN BYPRODUCT, THEN WE ADVISE THAT YOU STOP READING AT THIS TIME. WE ACTUALLY RECOMMEND AGAINST VIEWING PICTURES OF THIS NATURE EVER.

The second picture is one of me pouring the glass out, I thought the angle was good so I snapped a shot. I just wanted to make sure that nobody thought I would actually dare touch this crap, even if it did come out of me.

Now... go light up a cigarette.... I mean what's the worse that could happen really? Maybe both lungs will fill up instead of just one....

-link

Labels: adventures in everett, business is business, smoking sucks, the pain of getting well